LITERAL TRANSLATIONS

Hairy Clam:


Pink Taco:

TRANSVESTITE ON THE LOOSE

A Peon Confidential reader just sent me this outrageous article:

TRANSVESTITE HAS SEX WITH DOG IN MOAT OF ENGLISH CASTLE

First off, I'm humbled by the extraordinary array of toilet, fart, pubic waxing and sex related articles that remind you Peon Confidential readers of me. Sometimes they aren't even articles. One of you farted loudly at work once and saw fit to message me about it. So, I'm much obliged.

Secondly, my favorite line in this incredibly strange article is: "the pair spotted the lone transvestite on the morning of Saturday July 10th," as though transvestites are more traditionally spotted in packs, gaggles, flocks or whatever the collective noun is for transvestites.

TURKEY TETRAZZINI FOR LINDSAY LOHAN

Well I am just flabbergasted. (I don't think I've ever used that word before. Sounds like something Andy Rooney would use, along with "horsefeathers".)

Anyway-
A trusted source just told me that jailbird Lindsay Lohan dined on a fine meal of Turkey Tetrazzini last night, her first culinary experience in the Big House.

Here I thought she'd be dining on gruel and dust bunnies. Instead, she gets the finest meal CNN's Hard News Cafe had to offer!
While this particular Turkey Tetrazzini was not made by Famed Hashslinger Roz's loving hands, it is still an approximation of the savory vittles that made us whistle while we worked at The Plant, a.k.a CNN Center in Atlanta.

Then again...
If I find out tonight's meal is rice and corn with packets of hot sauce, we'll know just where Roz found new employment after getting booted from her Hard News perch.

CENSORED BATHROOM POLE

Happy 13th of July everyone!
Sorry I've been neglecting you a bit. I've been immersed in a whirlwind of home improvement projects. I've been a regular fucking Bob Villa! This place is gonna look like something out of House Beautiful when I'm done, but without some bitchy-looking WASP broad sitting on the sofa.

One sad byproduct of all this frenzied household activity is that the infamous "Porn Pole" in the bathroom has been censored. I know, I know. I'm a bit depressed about it too. But it was really the only option.

Let it be an important lesson to you: if you are going to decorate an unsightly pole in your bathroom with a collage of 1980's Playboy photos, make sure you waterproof it first. Otherwise the lovely ladies will get watermarks all over their asses.

R.I.P. Porn Pole: 2007-2010.

And here's the new, censored version:

BORDELLO PHOTOS

Sister Saara says:
On the merciless streets of NYC, the temperatures are rising, the garbage and dog piss are stinking and we're getting cranky.

But inside Mama D's Arts Bordello, the burlesque dancers are hot, the writers are cool and the drinks are intoxicating.
We've added some new photos to our Bordello Gallery.
Take a look and be whisked away to our velvety realm....

MAMA D'S ARTS BORDELLO GALLERY