Check it, Peons: Your CNN Humiliation Compartmentalized

Wednesday, February 21, 2007


I have spent some time on this blog discussing the low sartorial depths in which we VJ's sunk: the Dockers, the bedraggled Macy's sale rack finds, the Payless shoes, the occasional Jaclyn Smith Collection gem.
However, I have to commend us on some level. As far as I know, no one ever sunk to THIS DEPTH OF SADNESS. Quilts are fine. Cats are fine. But wearing quilted clothing festooned with cats when you are over the age of six is not fine. Note the description underneath one particularly loathsome item called THE CAT DANCING BLAZER: "Think of what will happen when you wear to work a blazer with wild cats dancing all over it!"
I know what will happen. Hordes of co-workers scratching out their fucking eyes, taking it as a sign to update their resumes and find a new job so they won't have to work in an environment where women wear quilted Cat Dancing Blazers.
On top of everything else, the website reccomends trolling QVC for Quacker Factory and Bob Mackie cat-themed merchandise.
Now, I've heard of Bob Mackie. A sad victim of downmarketing his brand name ala Halston. Once he designed stunning Oscar gowns for Cher, then later sold the use of his name to adorn velour sweat suits for sloppy, errand-running nobodies.
But this Quacker Factory was new to me. And I count my blessings that I remained ignorant for as long as I did. As soon as I clicked on the Quacker Factory link, my eyes were accosted by the most unbelievably vile, horrific shit I have ever seen. This type of ugliness should be outlawed. Surely on some visceral level, it is unhealthy. Surely accidents are caused by drivers being blinded by the ugly.
Plus, these Quacker Factory lovers supposedly "quack" at each other when they recognize another Quacker Factory outfit.
No joke.
These women will be milling about at a strip mall or gossiping in the breakroom and start quacking at each other.
I'm no fashion icon. However, I would like to put forth this notion:
If you're wearing an item of clothing that inspires another person to quack, you should remove that item immediately and burn it.


Anonymous said...

Along with extreme weather and megalomaniacal world leaders, that Cats Who Quilt is yet another sign of The Apocalypse.

Anonymous said...

Doesn't the girl on the right bear a striking resemblance to Judy Verbic?