NO MORE PISSING IN THE STREET

So-
As I was walking home from work late Monday night, my retinas were accosted by a horrific sight:
A woman with her pants pulled down, screaming at her boyfriend, pissing in between two cars in Midtown. The weird part was there was a bar just a few feet away. A shitty bar, but a bar with a toilet. And she wasn't even squatting. Just hunching. I guess she didn't want her hoo-hoo too close the the dirty New York street. That ass was high in the air and the piss was just gushing out all over the place...
Now before anyone starts thinking that this is an isolated New York problem, read on. Apparently, some high tech geniuses aim to prevent this type of behavior, at least in the fine city of London:

A new service promises Londoners they'll never have to spend much time looking for the loo.
Westminster City Council, which covers London's bustling Oxford Street, the West End, Big Ben and the Houses of Parliament, on Thursday launched "SatLav" — a toilet-finding service for cell phone users. Tourists, theatergoers, shoppers and pub patrons in London's West End can now text the word "toilet" — and receive a text back with the address of the nearest public facility.
The system, which covers 40 public toilets, pinpoints the caller's position by measuring the strength of the phone signal. The texts cost about 50 cents, and most of Westminster's toilets are free.
The council said it hopes the service will stop people from urinating in alleyways, saying some 10,000 gallons of urine ends up in Westminster streets each year.

A few thoughts:
1. I don't think it is the "tourists, theatre goers and shoppers" that are pissing in alleyways. I am having a hard time visualizing some family from Ohio purchasing a Union Jack tea set on the way to seeing " Les Miz" and then deciding to whizz in tandem behind the gift shop. Let's be honest. This is something drunken revelers do. And if the New York woman is any indication, knowing that a toilet is just steps away won't help. Drunk people simply like pissing in the street.

2. 10,000 gallons! Who calculated that figure? Was there a staff of statistitions hired by the British government? How do they know? Did they round up or down? Which kinds of measuring instruments were used? How can they just throw this figure out there with no explanation?

3. I suspect Larry Craig would appreciate this service, don't you? Except in England they call soliciting gay sex in a bathroom "cottaging". Isn't that cute? Ah, I love those quaint English collquialisms...Well that and the fact that men call other men "c*nts".

A NEW THREAT ON THE HORIZON

Ladies and gentlemen, prepare yourselves. The Stepford Wife is here...

TOKYO (Reuters) - A pearly white robot that looks a little like E.T. boosted a man out of bed, chatted and helped prepare his breakfast with its deft hands in Tokyo Tuesday, in a further sign robots are becoming more like their human inventors.

Twendy-One, named as a 21st century edition of a previous robot, Wendy, has soft hands and fingers that gently grip, enough strength to support humans as they sit up and stand, and supple movements that respond to human touch. It can pick up a loaf of bread without crushing it, serve toast and help lift people out of bed.

"It's the first robot in the world with this much system integration," said Shigeki Sugano, professor of mechanical engineering at Waseda University, who led the Twendy-One project and demonstrated the result on Tuesday.

The robot is a little shorter than an average Japanese woman at 1.5 m (5 ft), but heavy-set at 111 kg (245 lb). Its long arms and a face shaped like a giant squashed bean mean it resembles the alien movie character E.T. The robot put toast on a plate and fetched ketchup from a fridge when asked, after greeting its patient for the demonstration with a robotic "good morning" and "bon appetit."

But for now, it is still a work in progress. Twendy-One has just 15 minutes of battery life and its computer-laden back has a tendency to overheat after each use.


Okay--this is making me a bit nervous. Maybe I'm a Luddite, but think about it. This robot:

1. Has soft hands that gently grip
2. Will fetch ketchup from the fridge when asked
3. Offers a cheery "good morning"

I'm just grateful this bitch overheats after each use because even with a face like a giant squashed bean, she has the potential to really fuck up the already dismal dating pool. As much as I hate to say it, I know plenty of men who would be happy with Twendy-One. She can grip his dick gently, provide him with ketchup for his fries and says "good morning" instead of:

"I can't watch another fucking episode of C.S.I. Why don't we never go anywhere?"
or
"Your feet stink."
or
"I can't believe you're going to vote for Mitt Romney."

This robotic menace must be stopped before it's too late...

JOY TO THE WORLD

Happy Post-Thanksgiving! I hope you all enjoyed the turkey, family drama, canned cranberry shit, familial farting, excess drinking, the drone of football, late night nibbling with no plate; just grabbing random stuff as you stand in front of the fridge, and dreary thoughts of "Can you believe it Frank, another year down the crapper."

What has all of this go to do with the above photo of Sigfried, Roy and Carol Channing? Well, we are officially into Christmas season. Time to don our gay apparel...And have you ever seen a gayer photo than this one?

Welcome to the holidays!

CNN HOLIDAY PARTIES

Well, I'm sure you've all noticed that shops, businesses, restaurants and anyone else who needs to make a buck have already started decking the halls with boughs of holly (and tacky snowmen, reindeer and pink trees.)
So, if they are willing to start early with the festivities, I figure it's not too early to bring up the subject of CNN holiday parties--peon style.
Now, things have improved since my tour of duty in Atlanta. Not that it takes much to improve upon shit.

Admittedly, the reason I know that they've improved is because I crashed the party two years in a row with my expired, faded CNN ID. This is how I got to witness the famous CNN talent show. Plus I danced with financial guru (and rumored presidential candidate) Lou Dobbs.
You just can't put a price on such glory.
But back in the late 1990's, these "parties" were a desultory affair.
Holy shit they were awful.
They would herd us into that bleak, pre-renovated Omni, give us some smug speech about how great we were all doing, and allow us to feast upon the meager edibles offered. The year I went, we were only allotted two drinks.
Two pee-cup sized drinks.
Of course, I'm not sure if this was due to cheapness or due to stories like the one I recently received from a new Peon Confidential reader.
All names have been changed. Not to protect the innocent, but to keep the guilty guessing...

"For a few years running a number of us were working on the night of the party. But seeing as it was held either at an Omni hotel ballroom or the Congress Center, we would dash over between shows for a couple of drinks. At one of the more memorable events, it was Pancho, myself and Olaf. Pancho directing, Olaf doing audio and me pushing the buttons. I would love to have an aircheck of that show but I suspect that tape was erased before the cuetone was over. All of us got pretty much trashed killing as many beers as we could in one hour. About ten minutes before the ten pm show, we headed back to make some TV. Smuggling beers as we went of course. Pancho was in rare form. Loud as always and funny as shit. He got me laughing so hard that I missed a punch. At which point Pancho said something to the effect of "Gawddammit, if I'm fucked up you better be paying attention to air!!"

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LARRY!

Cleveland, you're on the air!

Happy Birthday to everyone's favorite septugenerian and CNN legend Larry King. Not sure if the "he made a VJ pick the peanuts out of his Kung Po chicken" story is true, but when has that ever stopped me from repeating a rumor? It's good story nonetheless.
Here's wishing you many more classic moments like this one:

GOT A DATE WITH AN ANGEL

(Note: the good stuff starts at 8:05)

WRITER'S STRIKE: PICKETING FOR PORNO

Now-
This is a legitimate question:
We are on day eight of the WGA writer's strike. But I am curious-what about the porno writers? Are they part of a union? Sure, the scripts aren't exactly stellar. And no, no one watches for the heartfelt, thought provoking, Ingmar Bergman-esque dialogue. But someone has to come up with lines like:

HOT HOUSEWIFE: "But I didn't order a pizza."
BEEFY GUY: "Okay, what about my cock instead?"

Are these people being paid properly? If not, are they picketing some shithole porno studios in the 818 area code?
Are they wearing t-shirts emblazoned with:
"We're The Ones Getting Fucked!"

Are they chanting slogans like:
"No Justice, No Anus! No Justice, No Anus!"

I need answers.

ABSTINENCE PROGRAMS DON'T STOP TEENS FROM SCHTUPPING

WASHINGTON - Programs that focus exclusively on abstinence have not been shown to affect teenager sexual behavior, although they are eligible for tens of millions of dollars in federal grants, according to a study released by the nonpartisan National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy.

"At present there does not exist any strong evidence that any abstinence program delays the initiation of sex, hastens the return to abstinence or reduces the number of sexual partners" among teenagers, the study concluded.

What?
Can this be true?
No!
Telling teens NOT to do something that they really, REALLY want to do, that they are biologically driven to do, that thousands of music videos/TV shows/movies/pervy uncles tell them is a wonderous, loin-stirring, soul-shaking, mind-blowing activity--that doesn't work?
Even when tens of millions of dollars are spent on it?
How can this be?

Huh. How about we substitute a couple of words:

-Programs that focus exclusively on TELLING FAT PEOPLE THAT TWINKIES ARE BAD has not been shown to affect FAT PEOPLE SCARFING DOWN TWINKIE behavior

-Programs that focus exclusively on TELLING MY MOTHER NOT TO WORRY IF SHE CAN'T ALWAYS REACH ME AT HOME ON A FRIDAY NIGHT BECAUSE I OCCASIONALLY HAVE A SOCIAL LIFE has not been shown to affect MY MOTHER LEAVING FIVE INCREASINGLY HYSTERICAL MESSAGES ON MY MACHINE behavior

-Programs that focus exclusively on TELLING A NASCAR CROWD THAT CAR RACING IS ANNOYING, BORING AND OBNOXIOUS has not been shown the affect THE LEGIONS OF FANS TURNING IT INTO AMERICA'S NATIONAL "SPORT" behavior

Honestly.
What the hell is wrong with people?

MASTURBATION PIONEERS

So as you can see in the photo above, I am petting the kitty. Note the maniacal look on my face. I really seem to be taking immense pleasure out of that sweet pussy...which naturally reminds me of my first foray into the joys of masturbation.
Yeah.
That's right.
I'm opening the hamper here and flinging my dirty laundry all over the mother fuckin' joint:

I was about eleven, relaxing in a Saturday afternoon bath. I was something of a late bloomer, which is code for saying I was a chunky pre-teen with bad hair and a closet full of velour sweat pants and unicorn sweaters. No one wanted a piece of this ass. There were no folded pieces of notebook paper asking "Will you go with me?" No one wanted to hold my pudgy hand at recess.

Now, what I lacked in looks I made up for in resourcefulness. Our bathtub had a large lever that jutted out. You were supposed to pull it up in order to stop the drain. So while I was bathing, I glanced at it a few times, mapping out my plan.
Okay it wasn't much of a plan...
I humped the lever.
And dear readers, it was good.
It was so good that I began taking baths on a shockingly frequent basis. I'd come home from school and head right for the bathtub. I'd wake up on Saturday and hop right in the bathtub. I bathed so much my fingers were pruny for three months straight.
Eventually the novelty wore off. But I'll never forget my sexual awakening with that highly fuckable lever.

Okay--here's where YOU come in.
We're all Anonymous here. Anyone else care to share their stories of masturbatory exploration?

WORLD TOILET SUMMIT

See this vibrant poster? Well it's from a wonderful organization I'd like to share with all of you...

NEW DELHI (AFP) - Delegates from dozens of nations gathered in India on Wednesday to open a World Toilet Summit aimed at finding low-cost methods to give billions of people access to sanitation.

The founder of Indian toilet advocacy charity Sulabh International, Bindeshwar Pathak, opened the meeting by calling for a war footing in the effort to meet 2002 Millennium Development Goals.

"To achieve the goals, what is essential is that technology needs to be urgently developed that is suitable and simple of implementation. Sewers or septic tanks are not the solutions."

Pathak, inspired by Indian freedom icon Mahatma Gandhi, began to build simple toilets in India in the 1970s and has developed a low-cost system that turns waste into water, fertiliser for crops and biogas to run generators.

The conference is being jointly organised with the World Toilet Organization, which was founded in 2001 and aims to make sanitation a key global issue. It now has 55 member groups from 42 countries.

Jack Sim, founder of the World Toilet Organization, and former Indian president Abdul Kalam were among the opening speakers.

Pathak and Sim have been widely lauded by organisations such as the United Nations which has named 2008 as the "UN Year of Sanitation."


Okay...I admit. I'm a little bit childish. And I am aware that functioning toilets are a necessity for health and sanitation.
However:

1. What kind of swag does a delegate come away with from the World Toilet Summit? Are there t-shirts for this event? And where can I get one?

2. Bindeshwar Pathak was inspired by Gandhi to build toilets. The next time I see his statue in Union Square I will think of that.

3. Jack Sim is the founder of the World Toilet Organization. Naturally, they have a website: WORLD TOILET ORGANIZATION
If you click on that link, cast your eyes on the cartoon toilet with the snappy phrase: "Give-a-potty. Go on. Ease them..."

4. Also note on the website that there is the opportunity to attend World Toilet College. I think this is a viable threat to use against kids who won't study for the SAT:
"Billy, if you flunk the SAT you won't be going to Harvard. You won't be going to Tufts. Hell, you won't even be going to that dumpy community college next to the Waffle House. You're headed straight to World Toilet College."

5. According to the experts at the World Toilet Organization:
"World Toilet Day has been declared to be on the 19th of November each year. The purpose of having this day is to have people in all countries to take action, increase awareness of toilet user’s right to a better toilet environment, and to demand for it from toilet owners. As such, it is also the toilet user’s duty to contribute towards its maintenance, cleanliness and hygiene. The public marks the day to practice toilet etiquette, the restroom community-at-large celebrates with a new declaration for the forthcoming year."

I SMELL A THEME PARTY!!!

5. The UN has proclaimed 2008 the "UN YEAR OF SANITATION". Beautiful! Now I know what my New Years toast will be.

UPDATE:
I just took the "What kind of toilet paper are you?" quiz on the Toilet Entertainment section of the World Toilet Organization website.
Turns out I'm the fancy quilted kind! Who knew?