Check it, Peons: Your CNN Humiliation Compartmentalized

Tuesday, November 20, 2007


Well, I'm sure you've all noticed that shops, businesses, restaurants and anyone else who needs to make a buck have already started decking the halls with boughs of holly (and tacky snowmen, reindeer and pink trees.)
So, if they are willing to start early with the festivities, I figure it's not too early to bring up the subject of CNN holiday parties--peon style.
Now, things have improved since my tour of duty in Atlanta. Not that it takes much to improve upon shit.

Admittedly, the reason I know that they've improved is because I crashed the party two years in a row with my expired, faded CNN ID. This is how I got to witness the famous CNN talent show. Plus I danced with financial guru (and rumored presidential candidate) Lou Dobbs.
You just can't put a price on such glory.
But back in the late 1990's, these "parties" were a desultory affair.
Holy shit they were awful.
They would herd us into that bleak, pre-renovated Omni, give us some smug speech about how great we were all doing, and allow us to feast upon the meager edibles offered. The year I went, we were only allotted two drinks.
Two pee-cup sized drinks.
Of course, I'm not sure if this was due to cheapness or due to stories like the one I recently received from a new Peon Confidential reader.
All names have been changed. Not to protect the innocent, but to keep the guilty guessing...

"For a few years running a number of us were working on the night of the party. But seeing as it was held either at an Omni hotel ballroom or the Congress Center, we would dash over between shows for a couple of drinks. At one of the more memorable events, it was Pancho, myself and Olaf. Pancho directing, Olaf doing audio and me pushing the buttons. I would love to have an aircheck of that show but I suspect that tape was erased before the cuetone was over. All of us got pretty much trashed killing as many beers as we could in one hour. About ten minutes before the ten pm show, we headed back to make some TV. Smuggling beers as we went of course. Pancho was in rare form. Loud as always and funny as shit. He got me laughing so hard that I missed a punch. At which point Pancho said something to the effect of "Gawddammit, if I'm fucked up you better be paying attention to air!!"


Anonymous said...

Dancing with Lou Dobbs and masturbating with a bathtub lever. VjDutton, you lead a life so fabulous that Kimora Lee Simmons would be jealous.

a former audio-spud said...

Oh Lord... I had nearly pushed the trauma of the "CNN Christmas Party" out of my mind. Thanks. Maybe it's because I'm a cynical bastard, but the few I actually bothered to go to (all two of them) made those lame-assed dances in junior high look like a gala evening at the Vienna Opera House... only without chaperrones.

Anonymous said...

Anyone remember the guy who took a giant leap from in b/w the ramps of CNN Ctr and Omni?

Curious George said...

Was this last year? That sounds familiar--who was it again?

Anonymous said...

My favorite holiday party observation was watching the uneaten stale chicken fingers gurneyed from the Omni, where they were free, back to the Hard Luck Cafe, where they were promptly placed on sale. The fingers were shipped back to the cafe BEFORE the party was even over.

Anonymous said...

Well, Roz had the munchies that night, so... guess she got delivery.

Oy the Audio Man said...

In the Techwood days, the party not to miss was the Haloween party at Don Miller's (the anchor) place. Great ones.
The TBS field dogs had the famous/infamous Gorilla Ball.