Check it, Peons: Your CNN Humiliation Compartmentalized

Thursday, November 08, 2007

ABSTINENCE PROGRAMS DON'T STOP TEENS FROM SCHTUPPING


WASHINGTON - Programs that focus exclusively on abstinence have not been shown to affect teenager sexual behavior, although they are eligible for tens of millions of dollars in federal grants, according to a study released by the nonpartisan National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy.

"At present there does not exist any strong evidence that any abstinence program delays the initiation of sex, hastens the return to abstinence or reduces the number of sexual partners" among teenagers, the study concluded.

What?
Can this be true?
No!
Telling teens NOT to do something that they really, REALLY want to do, that they are biologically driven to do, that thousands of music videos/TV shows/movies/pervy uncles tell them is a wonderous, loin-stirring, soul-shaking, mind-blowing activity--that doesn't work?
Even when tens of millions of dollars are spent on it?
How can this be?

Huh. How about we substitute a couple of words:

-Programs that focus exclusively on TELLING FAT PEOPLE THAT TWINKIES ARE BAD has not been shown to affect FAT PEOPLE SCARFING DOWN TWINKIE behavior

-Programs that focus exclusively on TELLING MY MOTHER NOT TO WORRY IF SHE CAN'T ALWAYS REACH ME AT HOME ON A FRIDAY NIGHT BECAUSE I OCCASIONALLY HAVE A SOCIAL LIFE has not been shown to affect MY MOTHER LEAVING FIVE INCREASINGLY HYSTERICAL MESSAGES ON MY MACHINE behavior

-Programs that focus exclusively on TELLING A NASCAR CROWD THAT CAR RACING IS ANNOYING, BORING AND OBNOXIOUS has not been shown the affect THE LEGIONS OF FANS TURNING IT INTO AMERICA'S NATIONAL "SPORT" behavior

Honestly.
What the hell is wrong with people?

2 comments:

DF said...

I get the phone messages too...

Mom: We called you Friday and you weren't home.
Me: OK.

Mom. We called you Saturday and you weren't home.
Me: OK

Mom: Where were you????
Me: Not home.

Anonymous said...

I bet programs focusing on the joy of bathtub levers would decrease teenage pregnancy.