Check it, Peons: Your CNN Humiliation Compartmentalized

Tuesday, November 06, 2007


So as you can see in the photo above, I am petting the kitty. Note the maniacal look on my face. I really seem to be taking immense pleasure out of that sweet pussy...which naturally reminds me of my first foray into the joys of masturbation.
That's right.
I'm opening the hamper here and flinging my dirty laundry all over the mother fuckin' joint:

I was about eleven, relaxing in a Saturday afternoon bath. I was something of a late bloomer, which is code for saying I was a chunky pre-teen with bad hair and a closet full of velour sweat pants and unicorn sweaters. No one wanted a piece of this ass. There were no folded pieces of notebook paper asking "Will you go with me?" No one wanted to hold my pudgy hand at recess.

Now, what I lacked in looks I made up for in resourcefulness. Our bathtub had a large lever that jutted out. You were supposed to pull it up in order to stop the drain. So while I was bathing, I glanced at it a few times, mapping out my plan.
Okay it wasn't much of a plan...
I humped the lever.
And dear readers, it was good.
It was so good that I began taking baths on a shockingly frequent basis. I'd come home from school and head right for the bathtub. I'd wake up on Saturday and hop right in the bathtub. I bathed so much my fingers were pruny for three months straight.
Eventually the novelty wore off. But I'll never forget my sexual awakening with that highly fuckable lever.

Okay--here's where YOU come in.
We're all Anonymous here. Anyone else care to share their stories of masturbatory exploration?


TheBathroomLever said...

Thank you for coming forth...I never knew your name.

The Removeable Shower Head said...

I'm feeling a little left out.

the rubber ducky said...

if only youtube had been around then... we could've made millions together from the videotape sales!

Anonymous said...

Maniacal look? That's gas.

A former sudio-spud said...

It's like the song says: there must be 50 ways to love your lever.

Lever 2000 said...

Well, what did you think my name meant? 2000 body parts? Please! Try 1 body part, 2000 times.