BELATED GIFTS ARE OFTEN THE BEST GIFTS

So check out this incredibly beautiful Mama D stocking that our Arts Bordello cohort Mary Bess made!
Isn't it fantastic?
I wish you could all see it in person. The artistic craftsmanship is so intricate.
It got here a little late (just got it today) due to a postal system mishap.
But you know what's funny?
I'm glad it did.
It's nice to get a couple of belated gifts. You get to treasure them more than the ones you ripped open in a frenzied Christmas fever.
Thank you Mary Bess!
You're a great artist and a lovely friend.

SNOW COVERED NYC TIKI HUT

It's a snow day!
As you can see from the photo above, my Manhattan-style tiki hut has been winterized.
Heading out to enjoy the winter wonderland. It's really magical when a snowy silence falls over this chaotic town.
It's proof that no matter how important we think we are, human beings will never have power over mother nature.

THE BORING ELITIST CHANNEL (BEC)

So-
I've noticed that a lot of channels I used to love (such as A&E and the History Channel) have drastically changed their programming. They are nothing at all like what they once were. A&E used to have all those wonderful English murder mysteries and Masterpiece Theatre adaptations of classic novels. They were pleasant to watch and great background TV for napping. Now it's filled with shit like "Dog the Bounty Hunter" and "Billy The Exterminator". I doubt their current audience even knows that A&E once stood for "Arts and Entertainment", seeing as how they offer neither now.

Same goes for The History Channel. It used to be my go-to channel for historical mysteries and political documentaries. Now it's jam packed with crap like "Ice Road Truckers" and "Pawn Stars".

Now, I understand these channels need ratings. And perhaps the dull stuff I liked wasn't bringing in the numbers. So, I can't fault them for making these changes.

But it seems to me that TV is so niche oriented these days that there ought to be enough of an audience to sustain The Boring Elitist Channel.
Are you out there TV moguls?
Then check this:
You know all those tedious costume dramas, historical accounts and documentaries? Put 'em all on The Boring Elitist Channel. Make it known that this channel is for uncool, literature/history loving assholes like me. Be unabashed about it. Be loud and proud about your highbrow, elitist TV content. Call it TV for people who like polysyllabic words.

It just might be successful.

HOLIDAY INTROSPECTION

I woke up a little melancholy this morning.
I always wonder how that happens. How can we wake up sad? Is it the remnants of depressing dreams? After all, nothing has happened yet today. I haven't been rejected by a publisher or been yelled at by some loon on the subway. I did not wake up to a fresh new pimple on my nose.

So I poured myself a cup of coffee, put on the Christmas lights and some music.
Vince Guaraldi's "A Charlie Brown Christmas" soundtrack came on, and I smiled. A tiny smile. But it still counts.

One of the reasons I love "A Charlie Brown Christmas" is because of the way the music and tone perfectly capture the strange melancholy of the holiday season.
Most people talk about the joy of Christmas; the festive parties, shiny presents, and loud family gatherings.
And that's part of it.
But it's also the end of the year; the most introspective time of the year. During the long, dark nights, you reflect upon who you are, what you've accomplished. It's oddly lonely, in that you realize no matter how many people you have in your life, whether you have a wife, husband, partner, kids, friends, dogs, cats...everyone still travels through this life alone. Even if you have people along for the ride, there are secret detours that only you can take.

In some ways, that's why I love to write. It's fascinating to see how an idea that belonged to me alone when it was floating around in my head changes once it's translated for you to read. An idea that was so beautiful when it only belonged to me often becomes misshapen and odd once I've offered it up to you. I don't know why that is. (It probably means I'm a shitty writer, now that I think about it.)

But that's also why even if I feel lonely sometimes, I'm glad there are certain parts of our inner selves that we don't share with anyone. And during this season of giving, I'm more aware than ever that there are some things I'll always keep to myself...

10 WAYS SEX IS DIFFERENT ON TV THAN IN REAL LIFE

So, I like watching sex on TV.
It's a lot less messy than sex in real life and there's less laundry involved.
But it seems to me that they get a lot of things wrong.
I'll start with these:

10 WAYS SEX IS DIFFERENT ON TV THAN IN REAL LIFE

1. People wake up in the morning, turn over and start making out with the person next to them...without brushing their teeth! Who does this? I don't care how good the sex is, nobody is accosting me with their foul, early morning halitosis.

2. People pull their covers up just over their tits. This way, you know they're naked, but you don't actually see anything. (Judith Light in "Who's the Boss?")

3. People wrap the sheet around them to get a glass of water. They don't do what I do, which is leap out of the bed and run out of eyesight with lightning speed so my thighs are on display for as minimal time as possible.

4. People slip the condom on with no fumbling or swearing...actually, condoms are rarely mentioned. If they are, it's just a sly glance at the condom still in the packet.

5. People fuck in their bras. (Sarah Jessica Parker in "Sex and the City")

6. People thrust three times and magically orgasm in tandem.

7. People are very serious about sex. Unlike me, there is no laughing or Ethel Merman imitations. Also, when it's over, (unlike me) people don't announce, "Well, I'm gonna go scrub my box." (Yeah. I'm a sexual dynamo, skilled in the sensual art of love.)

8. People know it's time to get laid when they hear saxophone music. (Actually, this only happens when I catch reruns of "Magnum P.I.")

9. People fuck on cold hard marble floors or the beach and never complain about the side effects.

10. People use the terms, "let's make love" or "make love to me" with a straight face.

VINTAGE CNN TOMFOOLERY

We haven't done a CNN Peon post in a while, and I think we're due for one.
After all, that's why I began this crazy ass blog.

So-
Question to all you CNN Peons past and present: take a good look at the above photo.
Now be honest. How many of you did this?
And by "this" I mean grab a pal with a camera, peer around to make sure no one was looking, hop on the set and pretend for one brief, shining moment that you were not some lowly peon. For one glorious second you were not a turd dangling from CNN's ass; referred to by your function instead of your name. ("PROMPTER!")
Nay, you were a real professional. With a real name and a real salary.

And short of doing this, how many of you called your friends and told them to turn on CNN to watch as you walked behind the set?
One night I walked behind Bill Hemmer three times in five minutes. I was about to go for my fourth lap when the floor director made fun of me during the commercial break.

Okay. Now 'fess up. Who else pulled stupid shit like this?