PHOTOS FROM MAMA D'S CRIME BEAT SHOW

Hey you hooligans who escaped our clutches on June 3rd--here's evidence of what you missed! All photos taken by Mama D's photog extraordinaire, Jay Herrero...

THE BRAZILIAN WORKPLACE MASTURBATOR

I am so fucking mad.
I feel like I slept through my own birthday party or something.

By sheer happenstance, I stumbled across a news story from over a month ago that was custom made for Peon Confidential.
I cannot understand how it got lost in the news cycle shuffle. I'm blaming Weiner for this travesty. All the focus was on making bad dick jokes and the important, high quality news stories slipped through the cracks. So, although this is technically old news, it's going to be discussed here today. I can't not write about this story. I won't be able to rest otherwise.

In a legal triumph for hardcore diddlers everywhere, a Brazilian judge ruled that Ana Catarian Bezerra, a 36-year-old accountant, can legally masturbate at work and watch porn on her computer.

Now, before you go running to your boss demanding to put a vibrator and a copy of "Good Will Humping" on your expense account, realize that this was a hard won battle. Ms. Bezerra had to successfully argue that she "suffers from a chemical imbalance that triggers severe anxiety and hypersexuality". So, that's a pretty high standard. It's not just that she has an occasional itch she needs to scratch after her lunch break.

Still, I have a few questions about how this ruling will be put into practice:

1. Will she get her own special Masturbatorium? Or will she just tease the taco in the bathroom?

2. Does she share office equipment? Phones, staplers, the break room coffee maker? If so, I think that should come to an end.

3. Are these scheduled masturbation breaks? Like, will they be every hour on the hour? Or can she just stroke the kitty at her whim?

4. If these are scheduled masturbation breaks, can you imagine the knowing looks on her co-workers faces as she leaves the room? "Oh, there goes Ana again, off to polish the pearl."

5. Do you think her co-workers ever eat any casseroles she brings to office potlucks? I bet they just sit there, untouched, congealing, coated in suspicion.

Okay, I think we're done here...only because I've run out of stupid euphemisms for female masturbation.

TOM SELLECK+WATERFALLS+SANDWICHES=A MASTERPIECE

As a person who has hosted a "Lost Episode of Magnum P.I." night at Mama D's Arts Bordello, and consequently coerced the jolly good fellow pictured above to wear those bright yellow, ball-cupping, thigh squeezing Magnum shorts, I feel the need to spread this recently discovered artwork as far and wide as I possibly can. Now, I don't think I'll ever understand the connection between Tom Selleck, Sandwiches and Waterfalls, yet I still urge you to click and enjoy...

SELLECK WATERFALL SANDWICH

TOP 10 NEW BOOK TITLES FOR F-BOMB DROPPING CHILDREN'S AUTHOR ROBERT SAYEGH

I'm no stranger to salty language. I like a liberal sprinkling of profanities in my daily discourse. I've found that a well-placed curse word can really liven up the dullest dinner party. So when I read about a children's author named Robert Sayegh, I felt an instant connection. This man was recently ejected from a plane in Detroit for dropping the F-Bomb. Now, I'm on the guy's side. He wasn't directing this F-bomb at anyone in particular. And furthermore, the fucking plane wasn't going anywhere. It was just sitting there. For a long time. And you know how fucking annoying that can be. So I can't blame the guy.

Then I started to think of possible books this children's author might want to write. So if you're reading this Robert Sayegh--you're welcome:

1. Goodnight Moon, You Fucking Cocksucker

2. The Cat In The Motherfucking Hat

3. Everyone Shits

4. Fancy Nancy Is A Skank Ass Bitch

5. Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Piece of Shit Day

6. Cloudy With A Chance of My Sweaty Balls Smacking You in Your Fat Fucking Face

7. Fuck the Bunny--He Owes Me Money

8. Curious George Wasn't So Curious After I Punched Him In The Fucking Piehole

9. Where The Wild Motherfuckers Are

10. Oh, The Places You'll Go! (After I Shove My Foot Up Your Ass)

HAPPY KING KAMEHAMEHA DAY!

In Hawaii, King Kamehameha Day is celebrated with beautiful parades, sweet-smelling leis, wonderful food and great live music. Here in NYC, it will be celebrated by cranking up the Don Ho, drinking a Mai Tai or two and wearing a vintage muumuu. No matter how you celebrate, raise a toast to the Great King Kamehameha today!

LEAVE IT TO THE PROFESSIONALS

Get ready for some over-sharing today here on Peon Confidential.
Because I just learned something the hard way.
There are two things you should never try to do yourself:

One is electrical wiring and the other is bikini waxing.

But let's focus on the second thing.
So there I was at the Duane Reade, wandering around, reading trashy magazines, trying to figure out which chocolate bar was the least fattening and making a nuisance of myself when the Sally Hansen bikini waxing kit caught my eye. It seemed foolproof. Maybe even fun! And I thought to myself, I'm no DIY novice. I've hung wallpaper. I've painted the bathroom. I can do this. And how could a product with a comforting name like Sally Hansen steer me wrong? Yeah. Sally Hansen. She's the woman in the next cubicle who always has an extra stick of gum and sneaks off to have a cigarette after lunch, spraying herself with cheap perfume afterwards to cover up the smell of smoke.

Sally Hansen.

I guess I'd forgotten that names can be misleading. Look at Sallie Mae and Fannie Mae. They sound like a couple of Baptist sisters who might offer you some pink lemonade on a lazy summer afternoon.

I took Sally home with me and...let's just say this wasn't like other DIY projects. This was no wallpaper situation. It looks like a fucking warzone down there. No joke--it actually looks like Afghanistan. You know, bare but with a few scraggly tufts here and there. Like this:

My take on this sad affair? Sally Hansen is a Pussy Assassin.

Yeah. I know. I'm squandering my 1st Amendment rights by writing this stupid shit. But you needed a break from Weinergate, didn't you?

MUGSHOT HALL OF FAME

Thanks to all you lawless and larcenous bastards who came to the Mama D's Arts Bordello Crime Beat show on Friday! The Mugshot Hall of Fame is up on our Facebook page, where our gang of vicious thieves, thugs, and gangsters have been immortalized...

MUGSHOT HALL OF FAME

MAMA D'S ARTS BORDELLO: THE CRIME BEAT SHOW IS TONIGHT!

Tonight is the night!

Calling all cops and criminals! Step past the yellow caution tape: The Arts Bordello is a crime scene. We've got true crime stories from writers Alix Strauss and Celia Bressack, a shocking documentary from Terrence Ross, dangerous burlesque from Brooklyn Babydoll and blood chilling murder ballads sung by Lisa Mazy.

Plus: the Serial Killer Tracking Contest, where you can win a CSI-style UV flashlight for all your future crime solving needs.


TIME: 8pm
DATE: Friday, June 3rd
PLACE: Parkside Lounge
ADDRESS: 317 E. Houston
COVER: $5.00