Check it, Peons: Your CNN Humiliation Compartmentalized

Monday, October 30, 2006


Today I read on the news wires that a Japanese woman named Momoko Ikuta has designed a pastel colored cell phone specifically for women that will:

A.) Alert you when you are most fertile
B.) Give you recipes
C.) Fake ring for you if you feel uncomfortable with someone and want to pretend to have just received a phone call.

People often ask why I do not have a cell phone, as at this point not owning a cell phone practically makes me Amish.
Well, this pastel Japanese atrocity is an extreme version of why I do not have a cell phone.

A.) It is such an intrusion. I do not want anyone having the ability to call my ass up at any hour. Especially if it's a call from my cell phone itself to nudge me into fucking my man because I am at my most fertile. Sometimes, I do not want to be reached. And when you have a cell phone, you always have to make up excuses as to why you did not call back. Enough already. Sometimes I don't want to talk. I've never claimed to be a particularly nice person, and I'm not about to start now.

B.) Recipes from my cell phone? This whole foodie/recipe culture is on my nerves. Sure I like to cook, but I'm sick of all these damn cooking shows and endless books, magazines and whatnot. And I hate that perky demon that is America's Sweetheart Rachael Ray. I'd like to smack her in the face with one of her fucking cookbooks. Or better yet, a bottle of EVOO.

C.) Fake rings so I can pretend I have a phone call? Nah. Refer to example A. If I don't want to talk to someone, I don't need any excuses. I'm no America's Sweetheart like Rachael Ray, so I've got nothing to live up to. If I don't want to talk, you'll hear it from me, not the ringing of my cell phone.

1 comment:

J said...

Other "RR" phrases I loathe:

-Calling sandwiches 'sammies'
-Calling her then-boyfriend her 'sweetie'. Who are you? June Cleaver?
-The aforementioned EVOO. She pimps that shit out like she has stock in it. You know, Rach, there ARE other oils out there.
-Those awful, spandex-cotton blend shirts she tucks into her mom-jeans. She wears them on her cooking show on the Food Network (Inexplicably, she has 3 shows, so I had to be specific.)
-Her 'garbage bowl'. Is it so hard to reach down to throw your stuff away? I don't want a bowl of scraps next to my food, thanks.

And the most disturbing of all? That I have watched enough "30-Minute Meals" to know all of this.