Tuesday, September 04, 2007
THE WATERBED CHRONICLES
It's a special day here at Peon Confidential. Today we salute a former CNN VJ by name...Yes John Davidson, that means you. Come on down! Anonymity is not essential because John has already spilled the beans on himself on his very own blog. Also, this way I can direct you to his superb website, which showcases the fact that former peons can indeed go on to greatness:
But back in 1997, John had no money. Times were tough for all of us drones at the news factory. Not "Covered-wagon-crossing-the-Great-Plains" tough, but more "Please let me find a quarter in the sofa cushions so I can finally do the fucking laundry" tough.
Note that both types of tough experiences involve wearing stinky clothes, however.
So John had to make some cash. He was desperate. He struck upon the brilliant plan of selling a waterbed on the famed Read Me bulletin board for a low-low-discount price.
This plan seemed foolproof.
Surely he'd sell his beautiful oak and rubber aquatic delight and have enough money to buy some Dockers or perhaps a pound of ground beef.
Maybe even both.
Except that no one wanted his damn waterbed.
So he turned the humble process of posting an ad on Read Me into a creative writing process. He posted ad after hilarious ad, refusing to surrender. This man was a Read Me hero, a true testament to perseverance.
These are some of my favorite entries from The Waterbed Chronicles:
I have a magical waterbed,
That flies with the greatest of ease,
It smells like fresh cinnamin (sic),
Not like strained peas,
It's the biggest they make,
King size and all,
So won't you buy it?
Or at least please just call,
It's only eighty bucks,
Cheap don't you see,
It could be yours,
So take it from me,
If you want to sleep,
In calgonic bliss,
Buy my fabulous happy waterbed,
I'll be so happy I’ll ____!!!
Just the smell of fabulous wood can bring back so many exciting and titillating memories.
Fantastic wood. Your first kiss. Chopsticks, The sight of a newborn baby.
All are episodes in our lives that tell who we are, who we have been, and who we aspire to be.
Now just imagine that scent when mixed with fresh smelling rubber!!! Not just any rubber, but the rubber in a fabulous
KING SIZE WATERBED!!!!!!
That's right, for a limited time only, you too have have the long coveted scent of wood, rubber, and water all in one!!! want to buy my waterbed? all you friends will like you if you do. tell your mom and she'll finally be proud of you (such a smart child!) even your high school principal might change his mind about you, really great deal, only $70 bucks for a king size, too! better hurry cuz it won't last long! Entertainment for the whole family!!! Don't delay, call now! 770-333-6367 Ask for john, or msg davidsonj.
This can be yours if you call right now!!! A scrapbook of scents!!!! Just message davidsonj or call 770-333-6367 right now!!!
I'm calling out to all of the tender-hearted souls within the confines of this fabulous establishment to help someone in need. My Grandmother's has contracted a terminal case of PSORIASIS!!! Doctors in this country can't help her because of the STINKING FDA!!! However, there is a new treatment for PSORIASIS!!! Under development in France the only problem is that it costs $74.99 and I only have $00.38!!! Here's how you can help, I have never been one to accept charity, but If you give me the $74.99 I will give you........ A FABULOUS OAK KING SIZE WATERBED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(gotcha)!!!! This waterbed was handcrafted in Taiwan by skilled laborers, and it can be yours for just helping out my granny Thelma (a.k.a. Militia Pete in Nicaragua in '86) Feeling generous? Msg Davidsonj or call 770-333-6367.
For Sale: One king size water bed. Made out of wood and 10k gold. Paid $233,459.00, however, can't make car payment so willing to sell for much less. $60.00. No holes, chipmunks, cracks or other undesirables. I mean it. I'm ready to make the step, and no one will buy this !@@!# fabulous waterbed. I mean really, come on, it is a king size waterbed for $60. When you were in high school, it was all you wanted to make life complete! What, now that you work for cnn you're too good for my waterbed? Fine......be that way...... we'll see how sorry you are the next time you are looking for somebody to go to your stupid yard sale and buy your moldy xxx@! fish tanks!!!!!!
msg davidsonj or call 770-333-6367. !@@#$@$%!$@$#!@#!@$!@$#!@#!@$!@#$!@#$!@$!@$#!@#!@$!@
AP-GA--Atl.Gunman 09-18 1035AP-GA--Atl.Gunman, AP-GA--Atlanta Gunman Atlanta gunman takes hostages at Zoo ATLANTA (BB) -- Negotiators are attempting to bargain with an Atlanta man who is holding 14 penguins hostage. The unidentified male entered the Atlanta Zoo sometime around 5am this morning and began his reign of terror on its inhabitants. Sgt. Michael Hunt, one of the first officers to arrive on the scene told a grim tale. "This wackjob broke in through one of the hyena cages which align the outer wall of the zoo. One of the attendants came by to sweep up one of the monkey cages and noticed a man wielding a gun and shouting obscenities at the penguins. That's when things got kooky," Sgt. Hunt stated. Officials say that the weapon the man is armed with a 44 Magnum style BB gun which, according to Sgt. Hunt does little body damage but, "stings like a fire ant bite." Dramatic video and audio footage show the man screaming at the police in an attempt to get them to purchase a "fabulous" KING SIZE WATERBED for only $60 Atlanta Police spokesperson Lt. Amanda Huginkis stated that while the police were not interested in purchasing a fabulous waterbed, interested parties could msg. Davidsonj or call 770-333-6367. (gotcha!)
Diary excerpts Aug. 14, 1992-
I have finally met the woman of my dreams. To think, after searching my whole life, I found the one person who makes my life complete! Our date was perfect!! She cooked a perfect southern dish, Country Fried steak with Grits (that's a new one) and gravy. I love everything about her from her accent (what a drawl) to the way she kicks in her sleep!!! She WILL be my wife!!!!! Hopelessly in love!
Five years later
September 27, 1997
245 days straight of nothing but that @#$%!! Steak and grits. I'm losing my mind......Everything seems to have something hiding underneath it....something evil....I realize now that she is a monster. What was I thinking....If I hear her insert another !##@$!! Syllable in words that don't need them (chair = cha-yer, door = do-wer) I'm gonna snap. I bought a gun today, It looks real good....shiny, cold, steel....tonight, when she kicks me in the kidney, I'm gonna do it....it'll finally be over, the only thing that can stop me now is a FABULOUS KING SIZE WATERBED FOR ONLY $60!!! (gotcha) Don't let this happen to you, purchase this fabulous SPACIOUS WATERBED and never get kicked in the kidneys again!!!! Just msg davidsonj for more info!!
CONVERSATION OVERHEARD IN THE HARD NEWS CAFE 9/28/97
As Jane approached the table with her tray of delicious food, she noticed something was wrong with her friend Dick... "Hi, Dick," she said. "Hello Jane," he replied. "How is your corn?" "Great, how is your rice and mixed vegetables?" she asked. "Fine." he stated, sounding distant and perplexed. "Dick, what's wrong?" she implored "You sound distant and perplexed." "Well, I haven't been sleeping well the last few weeks." he stammered. "What's wrong? Work? Relationship? Gas?" she quizzed. "Well, it's my bed." he began. "I haven't been able to get any sleep on it. I've tried egg crates, flipping the mattress, eating prunes......I just don't know what's wrong with me!!!" he wailed. "Hey Dick!" Jane exclaimed. "What about that waterbed that perverted, psycho, demented wackjob is trying to sell in the bulletin board? I have a waterbed because my doctor recommended one above all other sleep aid methods!" "Well Jane, I don't know. I don't know if I should buy a waterbed from a guy who uses cheesy overnight advertising gimmicks to sell a bed." he said hesitantly. "Don't worry Dick, I hear that waterbed is FABULOUS and is only $60!" she prompted. "Well, ok, i'll go buy that bed from Davidsonj today!!! Dick squealed. Why don't you follow Dick's example and buy my bed? Be like Dick!!!!!