Check it, Peons: Your CNN Humiliation Compartmentalized

Wednesday, January 09, 2008


I took a break from reading serious blogs about serious political issues and discovered something quite appalling:
Somewhere deep in Carthage, Missouri, there is a Precious Moments Theme Park. I have always been repulsed by those creepy, big-eyed porcelain figurines that are coveted by sweat suited hausfraus across the nation. They all have titles like "Mom, You Are a Bouquet of Understanding" or "A Sprinkle on a Sunny Day is So Refreshing" or "Grandma's Love is One Size Fits All".
And this shit is EXPENSIVE! I had no idea. As for the little fella in the pic above-with that jaunty pose he should be called "Patriotically Skipping to Elton John's House".
The point is, I am amazed that there is theme park for these disturbing creatures. And by the looks of it, many fat, dull, white folks enjoy making the pilgrimage to Carthage, Missouri to experience the Precious splendor of it all. Do yourself a favor and click on the link. They have a replica of the Sistine Chapel-but with those scary Precious Moments kids on the ceiling instead of Michelangelo's gorgeous paintings.
I found all of this so fascinating that I...I...I...signed up to get my weekly Precious Moments Inspirational Quote!
However, so far, I have received nothing. Am I not worthy? Just because I don't have an oak curio cabinet from Rooms To Go filled with Precious Moments figurines is no reason to deny me my inspirational quote. In fact, just to show how committed I am to the cause, I came up with five new Precious Moments figurine ideas:

1. Mom, Just Because You're Really, Really Fat Doesn't Mean I Don't Love You

2. Morning Poops Make Me Smile

3. A Sister Is A Precious Friend, Even If You've Fucked Her Husband

4. Boners are Precious

5. Count Your Blessings, Because I'm About To Sue Your Ass


Anonymous said...

Just wait until Thomas Kincaid and Precious Moments team up. What am I saying? They probably already have.

Anonymous said...

VJ Dutton, here is my Precious Moments salute to you, Peon Confidential and your hilarity make life worth living.

DF said...

How about:
- Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
- You're Gay, and that's O.K.
- Mommy Died Giving Birth to You
- Daddy Only Beat You Becasue That Beer You Gave Him Was Warm.