THE LATEST MAMA D'S ARTS BORDELLO FLYER

With a flier this fantastic, how can you afford to miss the show?
(Click to enlarge. If only the same could be said for my bank account.)

FAREWELL, BEA ARTHUR

Over the weekend, my favorite Golden Girl Bea Arthur passed away. She was 86. Bea spent the early part of her career on Broadway, and did not appear on television until she was 50, when she was cast on "Archie Bunker" as Edith's liberal relative, Maude. This led to a spin off show called "Maude". But to me, her finest moments were on the "Golden Girls".

As I mentioned in the previous post, I just visited my parents in Florida, and what my mother told me is true: my dad is hooked on The Golden Girls reruns. He tunes in every morning.

The following is my very favorite Golden Girls scene. Anytime you can blend hilarity with a message about safe sex is aces with me. This scene is from a Valentine's Day episode. Blanche, Rose and Dorothy are at the pharmacy before leaving for a cruise:

Blanche: In this day in age it might be a good idea to take along some... protection.
Rose: What kind of protection?
Dorothy: Two armed Pinkerton guards. No, Blanche is talking about... [indicates a nearby counter]
Rose: A Nestle's Crunch?
Dorothy: One over.
Rose: An enema bag?
Dorothy: To the right.
Rose: Dentu-Grip?!
Dorothy: CONDOMS, ROSE! CONDOMS, CONDOMS, CONDOMS!
Cashier: Calm down, lady! You just get out of prison?

Blanche: There's no reason to be embarrassed! Now these are discreet professionals. This is a private matter. Whatever we buy is nobody's business but our own! [picks up a package of condoms off the counter and hands it to the cashier] I'd like a package of these, please.
Dorothy: [grabs another package of condoms and hands it to the cashier] And I'll take these.
Rose: [looks around nervously, then tentatively grabs a random package of condoms off the counter and hands it to the cashier] ...and I'll take these.
Blanche: Now, that wasn't so bad, was it?
Cashier: [speaking into his microphone] JOE, I NEED A PRICE CHECK ON SOME CONDOMS! THESE THREE LADIES HERE WANT A COUPLE OF BOXES OF THE KING GEORGE PROPHYLACTICS, THE LAMBSKINS AND THE ULTRA-SENSITIVE. TWO OF THEM HAVE THE LAMBSKINS, AND THE BLONDE HAS THE ULTRA-SENSITIVE IN BLACK.

BONUS: CONDOMS CONDOMS CONDOMS!

THE LAND OF NO TECHNOLOGY

So-
The reason there were no posts this week is that I was visiting my parents in Florida. The only item in their home that vaguely resembles a computer is a Word Processor. They even got rid of their 1980's Texas Instruments computer. And their Betamax. It's a miracle that they don't have a rotary phone attached to the kitchen wall.
And having spent these past few days in a pre-1995 universe, I can honestly say I don't know how we did it. I do not look upon those days with great nostalgia. Nay, I marvel at how we withstood such hardship. It's akin to the covered wagon era, when there were no showers and smelly pioneers rolled around in grass to rub off the stench of 10 day old B.O.

Let's look at the pros and cons of our Internet-driven society:

PROS:

1. The ability to settle arcane movie trivia arguments with ease.

2. Sites like Manhunt take the pressure off of clubbers to find someone to go home with at 3am. Horny denizens can just enjoy their cocktails, then go home alone and choose some equally horny person online. No muss, no fuss.

3. Realizing that there are people in the world like this: SARA AND HER VAGINA CAPE.

4. Online banking alleviates the need to wait in line behind assholes at the bank.

5. Submitting articles to various publications is so much easier. Plus, getting rejected by The New Yorker doesn't have such a sting when it is merely an electronic rejection. No palpable "Sorry, but this piece just isn't for us" letter to rip up.

CONS:

1. Settling arcane movie trivia arguments the old fashioned way could go on for hours, and would bring up other movies, thoughts and ideas. Then, you'd call up some super smart friend in another state and get them in on it too. This was fun, cheap entertainment. But then again, entertainment options were limited back then.

2. Manhunt and similar sites have changed the atmosphere at certain clubs. They just don't buzz with as much sexual energy anymore. The 3am desperation has decreased.

3. Realizing that there are people in the world like this: SARA AND HER VAGINA CAPE.

4. Online banking means none of those butterscotch candies in glass bowls at the bank. They weren't very good, but it was nice to get something for free.

5. Some writers have a perverse need to keep their rejection slips. There are plenty of stories of broke writers wallpapering their cheap, nasty, Campbell's soup scented apartments with rejection slips. Online submissions and rejections eliminate this option. But frankly, I think those writers need a better sense of interior design.

BLOOD, SWEAT AND TEARS

If you're eating something at your computer right now, read this later:

HONG KONG (AFP) – An Indonesian maid has appeared in a Hong Kong court accused of adding menstrual blood to her employer's food in an effort to improve their stormy relationship, a report said Thursday.
Indra Ningsih, aged 26, mixed the blood in a pot of vegetables in the belief that the recipe would help smooth over her difficult work environment, The Standard newspaper reported.
In some southeast Asian cultures, menstrual blood is thought to have special powers, the paper added.
The maid has been charged with one count of "administering poison or other destructive or noxious substances with intent to injure," and has not yet entered a plea.

Wow.
I can sort of understand the notion that menstrual blood has magical powers, as men are often completely and utterly grossed out by the concept. Hell, so are women sometimes. It creates quite a strong reaction, which I suppose is magical.
But it would seem to me that there are better ways of improving relations with your boss.

-You could present your boss with one of those Mrs. Fields Cookie Cakes or a Hickory Farms basket of sausage and cheese.
-You could send a singing telegram or a balloon bouquet.
-You could offer to stay late on a Friday.

But flavoring the soup with menstrual blood is probably not your best option.

NON-ALCOHOLIC WAKE?

I am slightly confused by the following story. I thought people were supposed to drink at wakes?
Was this a dry county in Arkansas? Why bother calling it a wake at all if you can't drink? At that point it's a memorial service.
I can't blame this woman for refusing to leave her beer can behind. She heard it was a wake and expected booze. And she traveled out of state to get there.
I hate false advertising...

MAGNOLIA, Ark. – Sheriff's deputies said a Texas woman started a brawl at a wake in Arkansas when she arrived with a beer can in her hand. The woman, 52, faces a third-degree domestic battery charges, as does another woman, 46, over the March 29 fight. Deputies said the first woman arrived at the Christies Chapel Church with a beer can in hand and that she refused to leave.