I YAM WHAT I YAM!

Hey everyone!
Sorry I've been neglecting you this week.
(Yeah, I'm sure you've been crying into your keyboards.)

I've been working on a long form piece and focusing all my free time and attention on it.
You'll be happy to know that it's completed!
(Yeah, I'm sure you're leaping up and down in sheer joy.)

Well, I'm happy. And here's the photographic evidence. I designed this ultra-sexy item of clothing myself.
It's called, "Turquoise Sparkle Hoodie With Popeye Sewn On The Right Tit".

I don't do any of the sewing when I design something. Luckily, there is an incredible Japanese tailor just up the street.
Honestly, this man is extraordinary. I bring him the most bizarre shit and he always understands what I'm going for.
His English isn't perfect, but we speak in dated pop cultural references.

Once I brought him a sequined jacket and wanted feathers sewn on the cuffs. He just said, "Oh. Like Liza Minnelli!"
Another time I wanted him to rip the sleeves off a dress and cut open the front. He just said, "Oh. Like Bea Arthur!"

For this Popeye hoodie, he didn't have a dated pop cultural reference. He just said, "Oh. That's fancy!"

"Yes it is," I said. "Yes it is."

MAMA D'S ARTS BORDELLO ON FACEBOOK

Are you bored?
Feel like stirring shit up?
Want to create artistic mayhem?
Then come join our Mama D's Arts Bordello crew on Facebook.

MAMA D'S ARTS BORDELLO ON FACEBOOK

There's always something interesting to look at, read or listen to PLUS a cool bunch of people offering up their opinions on art, music and life in general.

It's also the best way to contact me if you want to participate in an upcoming event--like our Crime Beat show in June!

P.S. Check out the photo above. That's me on the piano, wearing a satin tree costume, playing Swedish chanteuse Jenny Limb, gracing the stage at The Clyde Theatre on Whidbey Island.
It's a glimpse of the future Art Pimp I was to become all these years later...

DO YOU REALLY THINK I WANT TO LOOK AT YOUR STINKY PISS?

When my parents ran their clinic on Whidbey Island, they used to offer free physicals to any high school kids who needed them at the start of the school year. My Dad was the Doctor, Mom the Lab Technician.
This resulted in two absurdly busy weeks at the clinic just before school started each year.

Now, my Dad had been a star athlete in his Canadian high school. So he primarily did this out of love for sports. (He was also the high school football team doctor for the South Whidbey Falcons.)
But of course, these free physicals were available to any teenager who needed them, not just athletes.

One year a pasty Goth kid (the son of a very prominent businessman) came stumbling in. He was wearing his Goth uniform of a leather jacket, black eyeliner, ripped jeans and surly attitude.
No problem. It didn't matter that he wasn't going to be on a sports team.
Like I say, any kid could get a free physical. That was the deal. It was my Dad's gift to the community.
So this Goth kid stumbles in, and my mom gives him a plastic cup to pee in. After all, that's part of the physical.
He goes in the bathroom for a few minutes.
Then he comes out with an empty cup that he shoves back in her face. He glares at her, mumbling, "I'm not gonna do this. I can't. I don't have to pee."

Now, here's the thing. It was 4:30 in the afternoon. My mom had been dealing with annoying teenagers since 9am. She was not about to take anyone's bullshit. So she grabs this Goth kid by the collar of his leather jacket, gets right up into his face and says, "DO YOU REALLY THINK I WANT TO LOOK AT YOUR STINKY PISS? No! I don't! But I do it. You know why? Because this is where I am in this life. And you're here. And here's your plastic cup. Now you get in that damn bathroom...and PISS IN THIS CUP RIGHT NOW."

And I'll tell you what...he did just that.

BOOM BOOM FOR MY COCO

A friend of mine in Los Angeles just made a sitcom friend. No, this guy isn't an actor on a sitcom.
It's just that he's so peculiar I can't believe he's a real human being and not the creation of some hack writer.

Case in point:
This sitcom friend wandered over to my pal's apartment at midnight. He began knocking on the door with one hand while holding a coconut with the other.
Now, English is not his first language.
So my pal opens the door and this guy says with a straight face,
"I need a boom boom for my coco."

Through context clues and hand gestures, my pal understood that this weird man holding a coconut on his doorstep at midnight needed some type of tool to crack it open.
Fair enough.
But when he asked this sitcom friend what he planned to make with this coconut (perhaps a tropical drink or some macaroons) he replied,
"Oh. I make a house for my hamster."

THE WORD OF DAVID BOWIE, AMEN

The last Mama D's Arts Bordello show offered up Rock 'n' Roll Salvation. We took it back to our teenage years, when we prayed to our Rock gods to save us from our annoying parents, our shitty schools, our suburban boredom. Not sure what your prayer sounded like, but mine went something like this...

MORE MAMA D'S ARTS BORDELLO SHOW PHOTOS

Photographer/writer/all around great guy Jay Hererro came to our Rock & Roll Salvation and took a few glorious photos. As you can see, he's one talented fellow. You can check out more of his work here: JAY HERRERO.

RONALD MCDONALD ON SKID ROW

Will this economic nightmare ever end?
It appears no one is safe...including Ronald McDonald.
Yes, according to Bloomberg news, Ronald McDonald will be joining the Hamburgler, Mayor McCheese, Grimace and the Fry Guys on the unemployment line.

This is a travesty. After 48 years of service, Ronald McDonald is getting the boot. Apparently, he does not "deserve a break today". And he is most certainly not "Lovin' it." Did they pay off Mr. McDonald with a Golden Parachute deal when they terminated him? After all--he has been privy to top level business secrets. He must know what goes into the Special Sauce.

But out of respect for an American icon, I'm offering Ronald McDonald a few ideas for the next stage of his professional life.

FIVE NEW JOB OPPORTUNITIES FOR RONALD MCDONALD

1. Milking cows on his relative "Old" McDonald's farm.

2. Clown Porn. First movie title: "Snatch Adams"

3. Singing back up for his relative and former Doobie Brother, Michael McDonald

4. Fishmonger, Herpetologist or Shopping Cart Wrangler at Kmart

5. Publish a tell all book and hit the talk show circuit. Book title: "The Red Wig of Courage"

VINTAGE CNN WATER COOLER RUMOR

Here at Peon Confidential, we love unsubstantiated rumors.
And have I got a juicy one for you today.
But here's the thing. I don't care if this rumor is true.
It's almost funnier if someone took the time to make up such an elaborate lie, told it to another Peon, who whispered it to another Peon over a decade later, who then messaged me about it last week.
It's beautiful.
So I'm going to go ahead and tell this heartwarming story of One Noble Peon's Uprising in pictures...

It seems that circa 1998, a beleaguered, downtrodden CNN VJ was floor directing for this anchor:

And according to our trusted, anonymous source, this anchor was in a foul mood. He demanded that the VJ get him a glass of water:

But this anchor wasn't exactly polite with his request. One might say he "snapped" or "barked" at the VJ to get him some water.
This was not smart on his part:

Because he clearly had no idea what a Peon making $20,000 a year is capable of once they totally snap under the weight of drudgery and daily humiliation.
Now...
This VJ did in fact get him the water.
Going above and beyond the call of duty, exceeding expectations, if you will...he even took the time to season it in his own special way--by dunking his entire nut sack in the cup. Yes, that's right. He tea bagged this anchor's cup of water.
And just to be sure the flavor was properly mixed, he put his schlong/dong/weiner (fill in your favorite slang word for penis) in there too and swirled it around:

He then presented it to:

And then this VJ performed his floor directing duties, thoroughly enjoying watching this rude anchor sip that delicious glass of Cock and Ball Water throughout the entire news program.