Check it, Peons: Your CNN Humiliation Compartmentalized

Monday, March 14, 2011


When my parents ran their clinic on Whidbey Island, they used to offer free physicals to any high school kids who needed them at the start of the school year. My Dad was the Doctor, Mom the Lab Technician.
This resulted in two absurdly busy weeks at the clinic just before school started each year.

Now, my Dad had been a star athlete in his Canadian high school. So he primarily did this out of love for sports. (He was also the high school football team doctor for the South Whidbey Falcons.)
But of course, these free physicals were available to any teenager who needed them, not just athletes.

One year a pasty Goth kid (the son of a very prominent businessman) came stumbling in. He was wearing his Goth uniform of a leather jacket, black eyeliner, ripped jeans and surly attitude.
No problem. It didn't matter that he wasn't going to be on a sports team.
Like I say, any kid could get a free physical. That was the deal. It was my Dad's gift to the community.
So this Goth kid stumbles in, and my mom gives him a plastic cup to pee in. After all, that's part of the physical.
He goes in the bathroom for a few minutes.
Then he comes out with an empty cup that he shoves back in her face. He glares at her, mumbling, "I'm not gonna do this. I can't. I don't have to pee."

Now, here's the thing. It was 4:30 in the afternoon. My mom had been dealing with annoying teenagers since 9am. She was not about to take anyone's bullshit. So she grabs this Goth kid by the collar of his leather jacket, gets right up into his face and says, "DO YOU REALLY THINK I WANT TO LOOK AT YOUR STINKY PISS? No! I don't! But I do it. You know why? Because this is where I am in this life. And you're here. And here's your plastic cup. Now you get in that damn bathroom...and PISS IN THIS CUP RIGHT NOW."

And I'll tell you what...he did just that.

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