THE GALLERY OF ARTCHETYPES

It's a collector's series of artists! Limited Edition!
Come check it out: WWW.ARTSBORDELLO.COM
We're working our way up to a full deck of Artchetypes.
So if you've graced Mama D's Arts Bordello and would like to include your photo in our Family Album, please send it my way...

(P.S. The above photo and many more in the gallery were taken by our favorite photog, JAY HERRERO.)

JACKIE COLLINS' MEATLOAF RECIPE

I love writing this blog.
You know why?
Because you people send me the coolest shit.
Like this morning, one of you sent me a recipe.
But this isn't just any recipe. Hell no! This is JACKIE COLLINS' MEATLOAF RECIPE.
I have no idea where you found this...or even if it's authentic.
But I don't care!
How often do you find "Jackie Collins" and "meatloaf" in the same sentence?
Well I'll tell you: Not very often, bitches. It's a rare treat.
So here it is, presented with love.
And if any of you make this recipe, please email me with the results (and pics too!)

JACKIE COLLINS’ MEATLOAF
2 lbs ground beef or turkey
1 tube tomato paste
Half loaf of wheat breadcrumbs
2 eggs
Small jar spaghetti sauce
2 tablespoons mixed herbs, and lemon herbs
Pinch of garlic salt
1 package Campbell ’s onion soup mix
1 chopped onion
1 yellow pepper

Combine! Mix!
Cook for 45 minutes on 350 degrees.

ENJOY!

MAMA D'S ARTS BORDELLO by JAY HERRERO

Just a few of the sublime photos that brave photog Jay Herrero took of the Mama D's gang at our debauched Palm Sunday photo shoot. Our next show, The Crime Beat, is on June 3rd. Come hang out with us at Parkside Lounge!

A GREAT EXAMPLE OF AN IDEA THAT IS BETTER WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK

Since I live in New York, I'm well-acquainted with cabs.
In my years of taxi experience, I have smelled cabbie B.O., heard their political rants and cell phone arguments with family members in far away lands, been offered half of a tuna sandwich and a date with someone's cousin.

But occasionally, when one is drunk, the radio is playing some vintage Madonna instead of NPR and the city is twinkling, it can be somewhat magical...which is EXACTLY how I suspect this Investment banker and a friend decided that paying a cabbie $5,000 dollars to transport their asses from New York to L.A. would be a "magical" idea.

Now, I'm not saying it isn't something I would have thought of after a few gin and tonics. But upon sobering up, I would realize what a shitty idea it was and carry on with my day.

Not these bastards.

Of course, I'm no fool. Odds are they'll sell the rights to the film version of their whimsical journey.

As part of the deal, they'll be transformed on schedule. Yes, while at first they'll be resistant, (what with their slick Big City ways) they'll soon be charmed by the small towns across America. With clockwork precision, the Investment banker will realize all that he's missed while working so feverishly in the Cut Throat World of Finance. They'll literally stop to smell the roses. They'll drink lemonade on some poor fucker's porch. They'll look at the beautiful landscape of this great nation. And when the sun is setting just right, they'll be awestruck by deeply unique idea that money isn't the most important thing in life after all...

And then they'll get a big fat paycheck.

FAMED HASHSLINGER ROZ SHINES ON

Fellow Peons, it is astonishing how myth and legend are passed on from generation to generation. Much like hieroglyphics once told stories on the walls of caves, we have graffiti on the temporary walls set up by construction workers at CNN's Atlanta headquarters. CNN historians such as myself are deeply moved by this graffiti, for it has provided a valuable service: keeping the spirit of Famed Hashslinger Roz alive! Yes, these walls are a testament to her lasting CNN cafeteria glory. So it is with great pride that I present to you these new additions to THE MUSEUM OF PEON EXHIBITS. These historic graffiti photos, along with The Roz Files are bittersweet reminders of the enduring, crusty power of Roz.

THE OFFICIAL MAMA D'S ARTS BORDELLO PHOTO SHOOT

So-
On Palm Sunday, a bunch of Bordello Cohorts got together for a photo shoot.
It was glorious and lots of sublime photos will be available for your pleasure once they've been edited.
I mean, check out this one. Great, right?
As you can imagine, it was a bizarre photo shoot, and one hell of a good time. We pretty much tore up the place, posed with weird and random props, got drunk...and broke a garden gnome named Larry.

But Larry went out on a high note. At one point a Drag Queen, the gnome (voiced by a Bordello Cohort) and I peered over the fence to harass some poor guy who was minding his own business, grilling some meat.

He ran back into his apartment in horror.

Then Larry fell off his perch.

R.I.P. Larry The Garden Gnome

MAMA D'S ARTS BORDELLO PRESENTS: THE CRIME BEAT

Step past the yellow tape...on June 3rd, the Arts Bordello becomes a crime scene!
Check out our criminally entertaining video promo over on the Mama D's Arts Bordello Facebook page:
THE CRIME BEAT

CREEPY SIGN ALERT

I was minding my own business the other day, taking yet another bizarre article of clothing to the fabulous Japanese tailor up the street, when I was accosted by the above sign. It was posted outside of a coffee shop. And it scared the shit out of me. It was almost as bad as the deli down the street with a sign proudly proclaiming that customers can "Toss Your Own Salad!"

But look at that creepy blonde fucker, licking his lips over that towering dune of Swedish Meatballs. (And by the way, if these meatballs anything like the stale pastry in this place, they are in no way "delicious". I'm fairly certain I could resist them.)

Also, I notice they offer "Siberian meat". What are the odds that there's some cross pollination between the Siberian Meat and the Swedish Meatballs?

NYC ART CRIME EPIDEMIC

Well.
This is just so disturbing.
The Art Crime Spree in Union Square is out of fucking control!

On Sunday, I'm heading back to the Union Square subway after meeting up with a pal for an afternoon gin and tonic. I mention we need to check out the new Andy Warhol statue. We can't even find it at first. But suddenly, to our horror, we discover Andy perched in the middle of a street fair, right next to a "sizzlin' chicken" hut! (Click on the above photo to enlarge. No, it's not such a great shot. But I just couldn't bear to witness the crime up close.)

It's an outrage! The man who loved glamour and department stores, reduced to sharing the spotlight with "sizzlin' chicken".

Then today, I read that some Art Criminal has STOLEN the glasses right off of Gandhi's face!

What the hell is going on in Union Square? We need an Art Crimes task force ASAP.

5 REJECTED RECIPES FROM GWYNETH PALTROW'S NEW COOK BOOK

Boy, have I got scoop for you today! A secret Peon Confidential spy sent me an uncorrected, unedited copy of Gwyneth Paltrow's tedious new cookbook, "My Father's Daughter". Let me tell you, I was surprised at some of the recipes that didn't make the cut! So I'm sharing five of Gwyneth Paltrow's recipes that you'll never get to see:

1. Rustic Beef Stew Made With Real Peasant Stock

2. Bok Choy Sautéed In Olive Oil and the Bitter Tears of Ugly, Jealous Girls

3. Crudité Platter with Jicama, Radishes and the Celery Stick Up My Ass

4. Pigs in a 100% Cashmere Blanket

5. Pasta ala "I'm Way Better Than You And Don't You Ever Forget It, Bitch!"

LARRY KING: A BREATH OF FRESH AIR

This just in:
Larry King has been chosen as the official spokesperson for of all things...breath freshener.
Yes, he and his wife Shawn will be gracing your TV sometime soon, pitching All Natural BreathGemz®.
See for yourself: LARRY KING'S FRESH BREATH

But according to Donald Trump, hiring Larry King to advertise breath freshener seems a bit like hiring Sarah Palin to do an audiobook of the collected works of Shakespeare.

Back in 1999, as he was sitting on Larry's famed CNN set, he stopped the interview to say, "Do you mind if I sit back a little? Because your breath is very bad. It really is. Has this been told to you before?"

PINUP ART GONE WRONG

I'm a fan of good pinup art. It's always been a part of my life. We moved a lot when I was a kid, but no matter where we lived, my mom always hung some vintage pinup art in the bathroom. Carrying on the family tradition, my bathroom is graced by multiple works of pinup artist extraordinaire, Gil Elvgren. There's something so fun and cheeky about pinups created by paintbrushes rather than cameras.

But when pinup art goes wrong, it goes really wrong...
The piece of trash pictured here is Exhibit A.

I don't even know who the "artist" is, and I think it's for the best. If I knew who he was, I might have to book a ticket, hop on a plane, knock on his door and kick him in the ass for shitting on such a great art form. Let's count the many ways this picture assaults the senses:

1. I understand this "artist" is trying to preserve his subject's modesty by covering up her nipple. But does she have to be squishing her tit like an ill fitting push-up bra, thus giving it the look of an unused water balloon discovered under the deck chair three days after little Jimmy's party?

2. Why the orange? Is this "artist" showing off the skills he learned in Art Class 101? Who eats an orange with wine? That's just too much acidity. Besides which, how could she peel the orange while wearing white opera length gloves?

3. Note how the pearls are in the glass of wine. Pearls before swine, yes. Pearls in the wine, no. You know why? Because they will become discolored. No woman would allow this to happen. Not with her good pearls, anyway.

4. That Chianti bottle in the basket image must have really entranced a certain generation of men. Whenever my dad talks about "bohemian" life, he always strings together the same sentence: "It was real bohemian. You know, with the candle stick in the Chianti bottle."