Check it, Peons: Your CNN Humiliation Compartmentalized

Friday, April 22, 2011


Since I live in New York, I'm well-acquainted with cabs.
In my years of taxi experience, I have smelled cabbie B.O., heard their political rants and cell phone arguments with family members in far away lands, been offered half of a tuna sandwich and a date with someone's cousin.

But occasionally, when one is drunk, the radio is playing some vintage Madonna instead of NPR and the city is twinkling, it can be somewhat magical...which is EXACTLY how I suspect this Investment banker and a friend decided that paying a cabbie $5,000 dollars to transport their asses from New York to L.A. would be a "magical" idea.

Now, I'm not saying it isn't something I would have thought of after a few gin and tonics. But upon sobering up, I would realize what a shitty idea it was and carry on with my day.

Not these bastards.

Of course, I'm no fool. Odds are they'll sell the rights to the film version of their whimsical journey.

As part of the deal, they'll be transformed on schedule. Yes, while at first they'll be resistant, (what with their slick Big City ways) they'll soon be charmed by the small towns across America. With clockwork precision, the Investment banker will realize all that he's missed while working so feverishly in the Cut Throat World of Finance. They'll literally stop to smell the roses. They'll drink lemonade on some poor fucker's porch. They'll look at the beautiful landscape of this great nation. And when the sun is setting just right, they'll be awestruck by deeply unique idea that money isn't the most important thing in life after all...

And then they'll get a big fat paycheck.

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