Check it, Peons: Your CNN Humiliation Compartmentalized

Friday, June 22, 2007

ALLIED FORCES: POOPING YOUR WAY TO A NEW YOU!


Yesterday I received an e-mail from a Peon Confidential reader who sent me a link to the website for ALLI, a magic new weight loss pill. She wrote, "This was sent to me by a friend. I wasn't researching ways to blow out my colon...Why I thought of you immediately when I read this remains a mystery."
Well lady, I'm certainly glad you did. The ALLI WEBSITE is filled to the brim with hilarity. At first I really thought it was some type of colossal practical joke. Honestly, I thought, is anyone that desperate to lose weight that they will structure their entire day, travel plans, social events and wardrobe around shitting? Then I read the forum, where women with screen-names like "deprivedwife" ask earnest questions about whether they can have 15 grams of fat per day or per meal without experiencing "treatment effects". What are "treatment effects"? Why that's just ALLI's ultra-clinical euphemism for "shitting your brains out" and "embarrassing yourself at the PTA meeting by soiling your Oleg Cassini sweatpants with wet, oily, stinky farts".
This is truly the weirdest weight loss idea ever. It basically works on fear: "Don't you DARE eat that Whopper, because if you do, you will have to make a quick dash to the Macy's bathroom, where you will be hunched over, sweating, easing out greasy, nasty stools."

Note some of the handy tips on the website:

-YOU MAY FEEL AN URGENT NEED TO GO TO THE BATHROOM. UNTIL YOU HAVE A SENSE OF ANY TREATMENT EFFECTS, IT'S PROBABLY A SMART IDEA TO WEAR DARK PANTS, AND BRING A CHANGE OF CLOTHES WITH YOU TO WORK

(Wearing dark pants IS a smart idea. Because then when you poop your pants, people may smell it, but they can't see it...so no one in the office can pin it on you! Now that's using your noggin.)

-YOU MAY NOT USUALLY GET GASSY, BUT IT'S A POSSIBILITY WHEN YOU TAKE ALLI. THE BATHROOM IS REALLY THE BEST PLACE TO GO WHEN THAT HAPPENS

(Really? At my place of work, when we have to fart, we head to the center of the newsroom, raise our fists in the air and say; "Hey Carl, listen to this one!")

-YOU CAN USE A FOOD JOURNAL TO RECOGNIZE WHAT FOODS CAN LEAD TO TREATMENT EFFECTS. FOR EXAMPLE, WRITING DOWN WHAT YOU EAT MAY HELP YOU LEARN THAT MARINARA SAUCE IS A BETTER OPTION THAN ALFREDO SAUCE

(Dear Diary,
Last night I went on a date with Bill to the Olive Garden.
We were having a wonderful, romantic evening until I made the BIG mistake of ordering the Alfredo sauce instead of the Marinara sauce...well let's just say Bill won't be calling anymore. Let's also say that I'll be shopping for a new cream-colored Liz Claiborn pantsuit...And that I've been banned from ever setting foot in the Olive Garden again.)

4 comments:

BILL said...

"Joe, you're never gonna believe what this crazy bitch did last night at the Olive Garden. Half-way through the pasta Alfredo she blows ass all over the booth. Kids started to cry and waiters went running in all directions. And she still made me pick up the bill."

Olive Garden Waiter said...

"Fuck this. You are NOT making me clean that nasty shit up. I'll go work at Applebees before I do that."

Random Customer Eating Baked Ziti said...

"John, maybe we should have Kelly's graduation party someplace else."

Olive Garden Bus Boy said said...

"Not again! Damn that Alli stuff is popular. Looks like I am in for some OT tonight. Someone get me 3 gallons of bleach, a cheese cloth, and 12 towels ripped into 5-inch-wide strips. Oh, and cancel my to go order for Tortellini Alfredo."