Check it, Peons: Your CNN Humiliation Compartmentalized

Monday, June 18, 2007


I expect we've all heard the sad news that Toucan Sam might be out of a job. According to The New York Times, The Kellogg Company has established new nutrition standards. Only products with up to 12 grams of sugar per serving can be advertised to children. This means unless they reformulate Pop-Tarts, Apple Jacks, Cocoa Krispies and Froot Loops, these products will no longer be pitched to kids.
I bet it's only a matter of time before General Mills follows suit.
And you know what this means:
A whole lot of beloved cereal mascots will be in the unemployment line...
Some will take low-paying, humilating jobs just to make a buck. Some will opt to get out of the cereal racket and play shuffleboard in Florida. Some will parlay their cereal fame into new avenues. Some will fall in with a bad crowd. In two years time, just imagine where these mascots could be...

TOUCAN SAM: Official mascot for NYC Gay Pride parade
TRIX RABBIT: Blinded after taking a job in a research lab to pay for coke habit
COUNT CHOCULA: Writes tell-all about sordid nights with Boo Berry and Franken Berry
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: Arrested for racketeering
COOKIE CRISP WIZARD: Cameo in a Harry Potter film
SONNY THE CUKOO BIRD: Tragic accident. Winds up battered, fried and thrown in a bucket of KFC, devoured by a family of four in Poughkeepsie
SUGAR SMACKS "DIG 'EM" FROG: Internet porn. Most popular title: "Sugar Smack that Ass"

Due to interest in the comments section, behold, it's FRUIT BRUTE


Sugar Cereal On Saturday Morning Kid said...

Does anyone here remember Fruit Brute? He was a member of the Fanken Berry, Boo Berry, Count Chocula crew, but he got the boot early. I think his last appearance was in the early 1980's. RIP Fruit Brute.

Anonymous said...

Was Fruit Brute red and kind of 1970's creepy-looking?

vjdutton said...

"1970's creepy-looking" is pretty vague, Anonymous. Who wasn't creepy looking in the 70's? Traffic cops, nuns, teachers, movie stars, astronauts, pre-schoolers, doctors. If photographs are to believed, everyone was hairy and weird. I'm sure cereal mascots were not exempt.