NAME THAT PEON

Happy New Year's Eve! To kick off your celebrations, we're introducing a brand new sensation here at Peon Confidential: It's our Name That Peon Contest!
As you can see in the above photo, a former CNN Peon had the distinct honor of posing for a glamorous photo with Charo. Not many people can reach such a level of glory and fame by proxy.
So-
Here's how this will go down. The first person to email me with the correct name of the individual hiding behind the Mama D's Arts Bordello logo will win a prize. The e-mail address is VJDUTTON@GMAIL.COM
A subsidiary of the Peon Confidential enterprise, Mama D's Arts Bordello is a sleazy variety show offering burlesque, live music, trivia contests, readers and films. As such, the prize for the Name That Peon Contest will be a beautiful Mama D's Arts Bordello t-shirt. This high quality, fashionable item is emblazoned with our sexy logo, designed by yet another former CNN Peon. This t-shirt is like no other. You will surely get laid just because you wear it, and provide advertisement for Mama D's Arts Bordello.
But remember:
Please don't post the name of this former CNN Peon on the blog. Veiled references are okay, but no names. It is essential to preserve the integrity of anonymity here. For the same reason, when we have a winner, I will offer an update with a sneaky nickname of the winner's choice. Consequently, this is a contest where only the winner and I know:

A. what the correct answer is
and
B. the winner's name

Is this unsatisfying or strangely intriguing?
Will this crazy scheme work?
Let's find out.
Good luck!

5 WORST TV THEMES OF ALL TIME

I'd like to begin by promising that you will all get your George Jefferson strut as soon as I can figure out how to work the camera feature on this new fangled computer here.
But until then-
In the last post, I celebrated my winter friend TV. Today, I point out TV's flaws. Unlike Barbra Streisand's "Prince of Tides" manicure, Burt Reynold's circa 1982 mustache or Clay Aiken's heterosexual tendencies, TV is not perfect.
Some theme songs are an abomination. Take these for example:

1. FULL HOUSE
I fucking HATE this show. This was the worst show OF ALL TIME. And yes, I'm including both "She's the Sheriff" And "Cop Rock" when I make this assessment. (And in all honesty, COP ROCK was kind of cool.)
But this anal wart of a show was rancid. Horrible. Horrible. Horrible.
Every episode went something like this:

Uncle Jessie: Michelle, girls can do anything boys can do/You're special/It's okay if you made wee wee in my guitar.
Interchangeable Olsen Twin: (Making Fonzie thumb) You're cool, dude.

Cue laugh/AAAWWWWW track.

2. PERFECT STRANGERS
Cousin Larry?
Yes Balki.
Why does your nose look like a penis?

3. PUNKY BREWSTER
Annoying pussy singer. I'm picturing him living in an apartment with too many ferns. Wow. Ferns are such 80's plants. No one has ferns in their home anymore, do they?

4. ALF
Who decided that smooth jazz=creepy alien puppet?

5. FRIENDS
I always hated this damn song. That clapping bit makes me want to rhythmically fart on all of the actors.

Anyone want to defend these theme songs? Or add to this tragic list?

TOP 5 TV THEMES OF ALL TIME

So-
In the winter months, TV is my friend. TV is right here. I do not have to find a cab in the snow and sleet, battle subway crowds or buy a bottle of wine to present as a hostess gift. TV demands nothing of me.
In celebration of my winter friend, I have compiled my all time favorite TV themes. These are in no particular order:

1. THE JEFFERSONS
I'd also like to point out that I can do a mean George Jefferson walk. Perhaps I will incorporate this into my elf shtick at the Elf Academy.

2. SANFORD AND SON
Pure, sweet 70's wonk.

3. MR. BELVEDERE
Shitty show, brilliant theme song. A favorite of mine when singing in the shower.

4. MAUDE
Now, I rarely actually get to watch this show, as it doesn't appear to be in heavy TV Land rerun rotation. But oh, that Maude with her flowy vests and bitchy liberal diatribes...

5. WONDER WOMAN
Mostly because this tune includes the lyrics "In her satin tights, fightin' for your rights, and the red white and blue--WONDER WOOOMAAAN!"

Bonus: JOSIE AND THE PUSSYCATS


Did I miss any good ones?

NEW CAREER ASPIRATIONS

Merry Christmas everyone!
I know most people focus on the joy of he holiday season, but it's also a time to think about where you are in life, and how different the reality is from your childhood dreams. (Really, how many of us are astronauts, ballerinas or cowboys? And yet we still trudge to work anyway, our childhood dreams in tatters.) The the dying of one year and the birth of a new one are cause for a lot of introspection...
Which is why when I read that there is a brand new school of higher learning, where I can better my professional prospects, I got excited:

ROVANIEMI, Finland (Reuters) - Customer service, story-telling, nature studies and wilderness survival are essential skills for any elf worthy of the name. Anyone who aspires to a job as a Santa's helper can acquire them at a new Elf Academy in Rovaniemi, 2,600 km (1,600 miles) from the North Pole, which Finland claims as home to the "real" Santa Claus.
Christmas 2007 is in full swing as tourists seek Santa in the Arctic Circle but after the school opens next April, the 2,000 or so "elves" will be able to raise their game.

The competencies an elf needs are vast, says Esa Sakkinen, project coordinator and teacher at the Lapland Vocational College which will be running the academy.They do more than pack the gifts that families pick up at the Christmas market outside "Santa's house" or help answer the 750,000 letters that arrive at his local post office each year.

"An elf needs to know how to make a fire in the snow ... also the local nature and animals, because you never know what the clients or kids are going to ask," he said.

Exams to earn a professional certificate are part of the program, which will be open to all ages. On arrival at the airport, elves dressed in green jackets and red gloves and hat ferry visitors on buses to their destinations through the winter twilight.
After a day driving a snowmobile they may accompany families to a reindeer farm or tell stories of Santa and Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer...


Okay-
I am seriously heading to Elf Academy to get my elf certificate. I am the right height, I'm Finnish and I already have Exotic Dancer certification, so I can add this to my list of achievements. I know you people are scoffing, but when I sell my story to Esquire magazine, and one of the Olsen twins plays me in the movie version, who's gonna be laughing then, huh?

2008 is looking good!

SESAME STREET: THE MENACING YEARS

Throwing caution to the wind, and ignoring the stern "This Material Is Not Suitable For Today's Preschoolers" warning, I recently purchased "Sesame Street: Old School" for a toddler I know. As it is not Christmas yet, I won't know what kinds of damaging effects it will have on his little brain for a few more days. Will I live to regret to exposing him to "Monsterpiece Theatre" and Cookie Monster smoking (then eating) his pipe?
Like most people my age who heard about the warning on this delightful DVD set, I was curious about how different the show actually was back then. My memories are a bit foggy. I mean, of course I remembered this:

1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12

(Although I had no idea it was sung by the Pointer Sisters.)

But then...I found something truly shocking:

ON THE SUBWAY

Amazing, right? It's like a Martin Scorsese-directed segment. This Sesame Street musical number captures 1970's New York perfectly:
Filthy streets!
Bitchy muppets!
An obviously stoned, unhygienic drug-addict muppet!
An elderly muppet operatically singing, "You could lose your purse or you might lose something worse on the subway"!
An inefficient, over-crowded, grungy subway system!

No wonder I wanted to move here from the time I was old enough to talk.

BLIND ITEM #8

Which former CNN Atlanta VJ, now a Beltway Babe, recently hosted a dinner party in which the i-pod mix revealed a disturbing musical predilection? A Peon Confidential spy says the party ground to a halt when Celine Dion's harrowing "Titanic" song assaulted everyone's ear drums...
Sounds like a sonic BLITZ KRIEG to me!

LET THE VAGINA BREATHE

I'd like to thank the person who posted about her "tweenie". If I could, I'd buy you a drink. So consider this a virtual toast to you.
For a while now, I've been asking any women I know if their mothers told them "you have to let the vagina breathe." I am amazed at how widespread this adage is, and how each mom puts her own spin on it:

MY FINNISH MOM: "Saara, don't wear panties to bed. The piiko needs to breathe." (And no, "piiko" isn't actually a Finnish word. No one knows where it came from. But this doesn't stop my mom from using it.)

MY OHIO FRIEND'S MOM: "Honey, you have to air it out. You'll get twat rot."

MY JEWISH FRIEND'S MOM: "Bubbulah, the vagina is like fine wine. It has to breathe."

MY TRINIDADIAN FRIEND'S MOM: "Let a little breeze into your tun tun." (Not sure if I spelled that right.)

MY NEW ORLEANIAN FRIEND'S MOM: "Boo, respect your area and let some air in."

CHARGED WITH "MISUSING A TELEPHONE"

Today, I am applauding New Zealand. Check this:

WELLINGTON (Reuters) - A New Zealand woman who sent a naked man to the wrong house on the promise of a good time has been charged with misusing a telephone, local media reported on Wednesday.
The 17-year-old woman sent the man an enticing text message offering him an early Christmas present in the shape of two friendly women and suggested he take off his clothes to save time, the Manawatu Standard reported. The 31-year old man wasted no time in arriving at the house, and took off his clothes and threw them through the window before entering.
But it was the wrong house and the householder did not see the funny side. The police were called and the man arrested for being unlawfully on a property. The woman, who sent the tempting but deliberately wayward message, was also tracked down and charged for misusing a telephone.

This story is brilliant. Charged with "misusing a telephone". I say we take that concept and apply it to an irritation that has grown steadily worse over the past five years: being within earshot of obnoxious, overbearing, idiotic, unnecessary cell phone conversations. And as we all know, there are multiple types of offenders:

1. The "Lonely Phoner" Offender
This person is ashamed to eat dinner/lunch at a cafe alone, so they talk on their cell phone the ENTIRE TIME. This apparently proclaims to other diners; "See! I'm not a loser! There is a friend on the other end of this phone! That's right! Plenty of people like me! ME!"
As I eat alone often and don't give a shit if people think I'm a loser, I am usually tempted to grab the cell phone and shove it up this person's ass with a cheery, "You're sitting all by yourself. Just you. With a cell phone up your ass. Deal with it."

2. The "Indecisive Shopper" Offender
This person cannot buy a pair of socks, a package of Jimmy Dean sausage or a stick of deodorant without consulting a friend. I was at the grocery store once and heard a man going through every cut of beef and rattling off the price to some cheap fucker on the other end of his cell phone. He caught me looking at him with disgust and I just muttered, "You're some bargain hunter, buddy."

3. The "Dirty Laundry" Offender
This person has no problem walking down the street and bellowing out the most embarrassing, personal information about themselves, their friends and anyone else. A couple weeks ago I was walking down St. Mark's and heard:

"She tol' me her vajayjay's on fire. She got some kind of infection. I tol' her you got to air that shit out when you go to bed. You know? My mom always tol' me you can't wear no underwear to bed. That shit needs to breathe."

I stared at this woman, mostly because my mom told me the same thing, and I got to wondering if this is a country-wide, globe-spanning, culture-connecting adage that all mothers pass along to their daughters. (Seriously--if anyone else's mom told them this, will you let me know? I'm fascinated.)

Anyway-she then glares at me like I'm rude for overhearing her conversation...which is another hallmark of these offenders. This is why I say, good for you New Zealand; holding people accountable for telephone malfeasance. I'd like to see that type of vigilance here in the States.

IRRATIONAL CELEBRITY HATRED

So-
I know it's the holidays, and I should not be thinking unkind thoughts. I should be thinking about wondrous children, delicious cookies and adorable cards featuring contented mice clutching tiny cups of hot chocolate by the fire.
However:
I can't help it. Today I woke up thinking of celebrities that I really hate for no apparent reason at all. And I'm not talking about the obvious, idiotic celebs like Paris Hilton, George Bush or anyone from "The Hills".
No, what I'm talking about here is talented, attractive celebrities who have done nothing to offend me. I am not a waitress who has been poorly tipped by any of them. I am not a prostitute who has been forced to eat a shit cake by any of them.
I simply don't like the following people. I hate them so much that I will not see a movie/watch a TV show that features any of them. It's shameful thing to admit, especially now that Santa is on heightened alert. But I feel compelled to unleash the following list:

1. Katherine Heigl. I don't care how you pronounce your name, I just call you "That woman I can't fucking stand for no apparent reason."

2. Rachel Ray. I think this is because we are both squat little women, and I worry that my body looks like hers. Possibly worse. And that upsets me. Immensely.

3. Justin Timberlake. He hung Janet Jackson out to dry after the Nipplegate fiasco. And I will love that woman forever, mostly because someday I want this scenario to happen in a bar:

SUAVE GUY: I noticed you from across the room, and had to say hello. What's your name?
ME: Saara. Miss Dutton if you're nasty.

4. Gwenyth Paltrow. I realize that I am not alone on this. In fact, I think her fame is partly based on women hating her, yet being drawn to her particular brand of anemic, scrawny, vegetarian beauty. I'm not. I think she looks like she'd have a permanent yeast infection.

5. Patricia Cornwell. Not an actress/TV personality, I know. Instead she's an immensely successful, attractive author. Loaded, books in every airport, constantly on the best seller list. Plus, the books are well-written thrillers. So I can't even say she's a hack...Bitch.

Anybody else want to unleash some irrational celebrity hatred?

CRAP CNN HOLIDAY GIFT SELECTION

Last night I invited another CNN refugee over for dinner, and the subject of CNN holiday gift selections came up...
Okay, so dinner parties at my place aren't exactly overflowing with Oscar Wilde-style bon mots or rigorous political discussion.
Yeah, I know. So what?
If you don't like it, screw you. You weren't invited anyway.
But you all remember this shitty gift situation don't you?

Like some twisted corporate version of the Sears Catalog, CNN Peons were offered the option of one nasty ass gift from a truly horrid selection, all embossed with the Turner logo. This was in lieu of a bonus. And when you received it, the gift was inevitably even worse than the description implied. How cheap can one company get?
The ones we remembered were:

1. The poly-blend Turner blanket, meant to serve as a picnic blanket, or perhaps to use as an ass warmer at a football game. I believe I selected this one, picturing myself enjoying a delightful picnic with my boyfriend by the lake. We'd laugh, drink wine, smile at small children and cute dogs and eat delicious fruits and cheeses...yeah. The one time I used it was to pack and protect my collection of hideous K-Mart dishes when I moved across the country.

2. The lovely Turner "picnic backpack". What better way to announce to the world;
"I'm a twat. I work at CNN. And I like potato salad."

3. The beautiful Turner anorak. What better way to announce to the world;
"I'm a twat. I work at CNN. And I wear clothes merely to prevent myself from being naked, for I have no taste."

Does anyone remember some of the other options? What did you choose?

BASYS: GETTIN' HORNY NOW

Yesterday I received an e-mail from another new Peon Confidential reader that was succinct and to the point:

"I'm ex-Atlanta. Stumbled on your old peon blog. I think basys got me laid a few times. Ah the memories."

I tell you, that antiquated computer messaging system was a true blessing for horny Peons trapped in the CNN Center bubble. It was free, you didn't have to buy anyone a drink in order to chat and it gave you access to nubile employees on multiple floors.

Three cheers for basys, the social enabler of a bygone era...