Check it, Peons: Your CNN Humiliation Compartmentalized

Thursday, July 10, 2008


One of the hazards of the 24-hour news industry that so many of us work in is that there is a lot of time to fill, and only so much legitimate news to go around. This probably explains why I've been noticing some ridiculous presidential polls. I understand journalists are searching for a fresh take on the election, but it's getting to be preposterous:

"Pet Owners Prefer McCain Over Obama"
WASHINGTON (AP) — If the presidential election goes to the dogs, John McCain is looking like best in show.
From George Washington's foxhound "Drunkard" to George W. Bush's terriers "Barney" and "Miss Beazley," pets are a longtime presidential tradition for which the presumed Republican nominee seems well prepared, with more than a dozen.
The apparent Democratic nominee Barack Obama, on the other hand, doesn't have a pet at home.
The pet-owning public seems to have noticed the difference.
An AP-Yahoo! News poll found that pet owners favor McCain over Obama 42 percent to 37 percent, with dog owners particularly in McCain's corner.

If we're going to take it to this level of minutiae, what's stopping us from really bringing it on home? What about a poll that figures out the presidential preferences of:

1. People who have done the Electric Slide at a wedding...without irony.

2. People who clip their toenails on the subway.

3. People who click on NSFW links whilst at work. And then examine celebrity pubic hair on the company's dime.

4. People who sneak Jiffy Pop popcorn into the movie theatre to save a buck or two.

5. People who dress their pet ferrets up in Halloween costumes.

6. People who have taken an Olan Mills special family portrait at K-Mart.

7. People who know all the words to "We Want Some Pussy" by 2 Live Crew.

8. People who have tried to contort themselves into a position that allows them to suck their own cock.

9. People who go to a "cute little restaurant" for brunch and shriek and drink the one mimosa allotted with the prix fixe and wear idiotic capri pants with matching floral tops and tell lame stories they heard at the after church service coffee hour and HOW I HATE THOSE FUCKING BRUNCH MUNCHING HEN PACKS.

10. People who get worked up over nothing.


Anonymous said...

People who prefer Dick York over Dick Sargent on Bewitched.

Anonymous said...

I am a #8 and am voting for Obama

Anonymous said...

No matter who your presidential choice is, everybody should know the lyrics to We Want Some Pussy:

You see me and my homies like to play this game
You call it half track but we all call it the train
We always line up in a single file line
And take all our turns to wax a girl's behind
But when it came to me I was shit out of luck
I'd stick my dick in and it would get stuck
The girl would say stop
I'd say I'm not
That's enough I quit cos you're a busting me out
I say girl don't hide it
Just divide it
And please don't knock it until you've tried it
So to all of you bitches and all you homes
Lets have group sex
and do the rambo
(Somebody say Hey we want some pussy)
(Hey we want some pussy)
(Somebody say Hey we want some pussy)
(Hey we want some pussy)
I'm the peter piper of the 1980's
Got a long hard dick for all of the ladies
I don't care if you got pretty faces
If you work this dick in my Mercedes
If you wanna blow
Just let me know
we can go backstage at the end of the show
I will look at you
And you will look at me
With my dick and my hand and you on your knees
I don't care what you do cos I won't say please
Just nibble on my dick like a rat does cheese
(Somebody say Hey we want some pussy)
(Hey we want some pussy)
(Somebody say Hey we want some pussy)
(Hey we want some pussy)

Anonymous said...

A hearty thanks to the commenter above. All these years I thought the line was 'some call it Amtrak ...' not half track.