One of the hazards of the 24-hour news industry that so many of us work in is that there is a lot of time to fill, and only so much legitimate news to go around. This probably explains why I've been noticing some ridiculous presidential polls. I understand journalists are searching for a fresh take on the election, but it's getting to be preposterous:
"Pet Owners Prefer McCain Over Obama"
WASHINGTON (AP) — If the presidential election goes to the dogs, John McCain is looking like best in show.
From George Washington's foxhound "Drunkard" to George W. Bush's terriers "Barney" and "Miss Beazley," pets are a longtime presidential tradition for which the presumed Republican nominee seems well prepared, with more than a dozen.
The apparent Democratic nominee Barack Obama, on the other hand, doesn't have a pet at home.
The pet-owning public seems to have noticed the difference.
An AP-Yahoo! News poll found that pet owners favor McCain over Obama 42 percent to 37 percent, with dog owners particularly in McCain's corner.
If we're going to take it to this level of minutiae, what's stopping us from really bringing it on home? What about a poll that figures out the presidential preferences of:
1. People who have done the Electric Slide at a wedding...without irony.
2. People who clip their toenails on the subway.
3. People who click on NSFW links whilst at work. And then examine celebrity pubic hair on the company's dime.
4. People who sneak Jiffy Pop popcorn into the movie theatre to save a buck or two.
5. People who dress their pet ferrets up in Halloween costumes.
6. People who have taken an Olan Mills special family portrait at K-Mart.
7. People who know all the words to "We Want Some Pussy" by 2 Live Crew.
8. People who have tried to contort themselves into a position that allows them to suck their own cock.
9. People who go to a "cute little restaurant" for brunch and shriek and drink the one mimosa allotted with the prix fixe and wear idiotic capri pants with matching floral tops and tell lame stories they heard at the after church service coffee hour and HOW I HATE THOSE FUCKING BRUNCH MUNCHING HEN PACKS.
10. People who get worked up over nothing.