Check it, Peons: Your CNN Humiliation Compartmentalized

Tuesday, March 06, 2007


I just read this story on the wires last night, and I believe it should be examined:

"An off-duty Northwest Airlines employee was arrested after a woman on a flight from Seattle complained that the man had ejaculated on her.
The FBI identified the man as Samuel Oscar Gonzalez, 20, of Lakewood, Wash. He was charged in federal court with simple assault, a misdemeanor.
It happened on the redeye Monday morning from Seattle to Minneapolis. The woman was headed back to college.
Near the end of the flight, the FBI said Gonzalez sat next to the woman as she was trying to sleep. He touched her, which she described as spooning, lifted her shirt and then got up and left. Court documents said she felt a warm fluid on her back, clothes and seat after he walked away. She told the officers he had ejaculated on her."

Here are some thoughts on this issue:

1.) This is exactly why all those airline budget cuts are so damaging. These airlines are so cheap now I bet there wasn't a single moist towlette to be found on the whole plane. She'd be better off if she were ejaculated on at a KFC.

2.) I'm from Washington State. We've really produced some winners: Ted Bundy, that tacky band Heart and now this mad ejaculator.

3.) How long did the spooning go on before ejaculation? Or had Mr. Gonzalez been in the bathroom for a while, engaged in the solo mile high club, then ran out to find the nearest female to ejaculate on her?

4.) With all the aforementioned budget cuts, will they wash the blanket?
Or, with all the budget cuts, did she even have a blanket?
What are the odds that the blanket I get next time I fly will be speckled with cum? Do we all have to start carrying around CSI cum-detecting goggles? I hope not. Those overhead bins are already too full.

5.) The FBI was called in on this? The FBI? Is there a special ejaculate division that I didn't know about, or is the war on terror going so well that they all have extra time on their hands? I lost an earring yesterday. Will they help me out with that too?


Jeremy said...

I wondered many of these things myself. Not only will the blanket be washed, but will the seat be washed? I hope it will be removed and burned, releasing the souls of millions of dead sperm in the billowing smoke. No one wants to sit in the "spooge seat" no matter how well they clean it.

DF said...

The story says that Gonzalez is an "equipment service worker." I don't think that's the kind of equipment they hoped he would service while on duty. However, I caution all women on that flight: Wash your undies before you wear them. There's no telling what he did to your Victoria's Secret secrets while they were under the plane. Note: Granny panties were probably not touched. Even pervs have standards.