Check it, Peons: Your CNN Humiliation Compartmentalized

Monday, March 19, 2007


First off-good news!
The CNN Blooper Reel has been handed off to someone smarter than me to be transferred onto DVD. It should be back in my stubby fingers (once described as "Yoda-like") in a week, and I'll start uploading all your favorite vintage fuck ups. Standing by for requests...
Secondly, some wacky yet endearing news-
I saw this story on the CNN website and it touched my cold, brittle heart:

"A church was planning a Sunday moment of silence for what the pastor called a model member of his congregation: a wild turkey.
The turkey, which died last week after being hit by a car, regularly attended Sunday services and greeted people as they arrived, said the Rev. James Huff, pastor of Lambs United Methodist Church in St. Clair County.
'He would kind of wait for me to come in,' Huff told the Times Herald of Port Huron. 'He knew when I got there. Service was about to begin, and then he would sit on one lady's car until we were done.'
The animal had been hanging around since late last year and quickly became known for its fearless attitude. Some people said it showed up every morning at the community's bus stop and chased children. Others enjoyed watching the bird strut down the street, trying to impress female turkeys.
'We've got so many pictures of it,' said Douglas Bishop, the church's music director. 'It was like our mascot.'"

A few thoughts on this fierce, God-fearing, lady-killer turkey story:

1.) I had no idea that Michigan was so overrun with turkeys, especially female turkeys just hanging around waiting to be impressed. Now, I know this story did not take place in Detroit, Michigan. However, Detroit is the primary image I have of Michigan. So I think Detroit-native Eminem should rap about these turkeys. Particularly this cock-of-the-walk turkey. The way people described his life has the makings of rap star legend: "fearless attitude", impressed the females, and died a violent death while still young and in his glory.

2.) I hope none of the children he chased at the bus stop were going through puberty. Going through puberty is a painful, embarrassing enough experience without being chased by a turkey on your way to school.

3.) My dad and his friends used to wear tons of gold jewelry, play poker, smoke cigars, tell dirty jokes about Raquel Welch and call each other "fuckin' turkey". As in:

-"Did you hear the one about Raquel Welch on a lifeboat with The Pope?"
-"You told me that one last week you fuckin' turkey!"

This has nothing to do with the story, of course. Just thought I'd ressurrect that linguistic chestnut in honor of this kick ass turkey.
Rest In Peace, you fuckin' turkey.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Vintage fuck ups requests:
I want Lou and Natalie!
I want Howard Stern prank phone calls!