Check it, Peons: Your CNN Humiliation Compartmentalized

Wednesday, May 23, 2007


So there I was, watching The History Channel and ironing my clothes. (How's that for an arresting opening sentence? I mean, why else do people move to New York, if not to experience the type roller coaster lifestyle I lead? Bet you can't wait to read what happens next...)

While the program was pretty interesting (Cities of the Underworld) I was more fascinated by the commercials they chose to run. Clearly, no one in ad sales at The History Channel assumes that somebody like me is tuned in. Why? Because back-to-back they ran ads like:

1.) Male Guards. It's like a cupped maxi pad for incontinent men. Now, I have no problem with the product of course. I'm sure it's necessary. It's just that--have you seen this ad? All these senior citizen men are gathered together; out in the wilderness, bicycling, hiking, having the time of their lives, presumably pissing their pants. The tag line, uttered in the same bombastic voice used in movie trailers booms out: "Protect yourself, guys."

2.) Levitra.

3.) Cialis. These ads kill me too. So Grandpa pops a Cialis and is about to bone Grandma. But then the kids and grandkids drop in uninvited! Cut to cheery scenes of all of them eating lunch, playing in the backyard, laughing, enjoying the sunshine. Meanwhile, I'm just waiting for Grandpa to throttle one of them and bellow:
"No more ice cream, no more swing set--just when are you little shits gonna get the fuck out of here? Grandpa's got a stiffy. Now scram!"

The point is, who decided that "Cities of the Underworld" is programming geared towards incontinent men with errectile dysfunction? Are there studies taken? And how are said studies conducted? Seriously, if anyone has some answers, I'd be much obliged if you'd pass them along...


Anonymous said...

I'm surprised you were doing the ironing. you never did mine.

vjdutton said...

Now just wait one minute here:
I had no idea that your collection of free t-shirts, emblazoned with various beer logos, actually required ironing!

DF said...

There is an agency in NY called "The New York Interconnect." They provide advertisers in the NY area the ability to buy ads on 51 of the most popular cable networks.

According to their website, the History Channel’s viewers in the New York area have the following characteristics:

31% have 4+ years of college

43% white collar, professional, managers

Have a median household income of $76,169

52% own their home

70% own a personal/home computer

66% access the internet

60% Male; 40% Female

54% are between the ages of 25-54

52% are between the ages of 18-49

So, one of the following is true:

1. The New York Interconnect is good at sales and thus convincing the makers of erectile dysfunction medications that young men in New York can't get their weiners up.

2. There are a lot of relatively young men in the NY metro area that have lost their ability to pitch a tent.

I think they should make a commercial where the grandkids come over, grandpa slaps an adult diaper on them and then locks them in the closet while he makes Grandma bend like a soft pretzel.

Everybody wins.