Check it, Peons: Your CNN Humiliation Compartmentalized

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

THE NEW ANDY WARHOL DIARIES


I have been fascinated by "The Andy Warhol Diaries" since I was a teenager. (My copy still has the unicorn bookplate that I glued on the first page.) Andy Warhol died in 1987, and these diaries were released in 1989. He had started dictating them sporadically to his assistant Pat Hackett as both a hazy Factory log and a way to keep track of his business expenses. But by 1976 he was calling Hackett every morning to tell her where he went, who he saw and what he did the previous day and night, along with the cost of cabs, magazines and lunches.
These diaries are full of vacuous observations, random thoughts and bitchy, rude, insulting opinions on celebrities and people he considered his friends. When I first read them, I couldn't believe the extreme celebrity minutiae, that nothing was left out. It read like a blog before there were blogs. At the time it seemed odd that someone would want to write down and preserve such trivial things. But the random, useless information about faded glamour and defunct New York nightlife intrigued me.

Soon after these diaries came out, Spy Magazine published an Andy Warhol's Diaries Index, which I tucked into my book and still have. It made searching for your favorite insult/tidbit that much easier, as it provided name, insult/tidbit and page. There are entries like:

-Tiegs, Cheryl: plainness and funny dressing of, 256
-Scorcese, Martin: blood poisoning of, cocaine problems of, 61
-Madonna: "drawing cocks" on pants, 655
-Minnelli, Liza: tacky furnishings of, 202
-Halston: pretending to suck penis and testicles of Erotic Bakery cake, 129
-Cher: having bloated pimply face, having two boyfriends at once, 434
-DeNiro, Robert: "He must be crazy, because he's really fat," 253

Anyway,
I was wondering what Andy Warhol would dictate to Pat Hackett if he were still around today. Especially since there is so much more pop culture to devour now. So I wrote these entries in the style of how he might have chronicled a few months of his celebrity lifestyle last year:


EXCERPTS FROM “THE ANDY WARHOL DIARIES” EDITED BY PAT HACKETT
(IF ANDY WARHOL HAD NOT DIED IN 1987)

MONDAY, MAY 8, 2006
Picked up US WEEKLY. (Magazine $2.99) Read about Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. How come no one ever mentions his pock-marked skin? I bet he was a pimply 16-year-old who masturbated a lot. I’m sick of celebrity babies. Boring. Every gossip rag reads like Redbook or Good Housekeeping now.

FRIDAY, MAY 12, 2006
Felt ill. Stayed in bed. Watched “My Super Sweet 16” on MTV. Some girl’s family in Miami spent $150,000.00 on her birthday. Probably her dad’s drug money.

MONDAY, MAY 15, 2006
Lindsay Lohan stopped by the office. We are doing a portrait of her. So many freckles! Sweet, but that white trash scent will never fade on her. She just reeks of it. I don’t care how much Karl Lagerfeld tries to shape her with his queeny fingers.

FRIDAY, MAY 19, 2006
Dinner at Sarah Jessica Parker’s place. They hired a decorator but it still looks cheap. Sometimes I think celebrity decorators are just having a joke at their expense.

SATURDAY, MAY 27, 2006

Went to Central Park. (Cab $8.00 with tip) Overheard a woman saying that the reason there are no garbage disposals in New York is because years ago the city was run by Catholics and they were afraid mothers would abort their babies and put them in the garbage disposal. Is this true?

SATURDAY, JUNE 3, 2006
Glued myself together. Took cab ($11.00 with tip) to Paris Hilton’s party at Bungalow 8. I can’t understand how people think she is a sex symbol. She looks like an afghan hound. She’s skinny, but so dumb! She has a lazy eye. Saw Vince Vaughn on the way out. Looks like a plumber. But I bet he’s got a big dick.

MONDAY, JUNE 5, 2006
Depressed today. Couldn’t work. Watched The Ellen DeGeneres show. Why is she so popular? Lesbians just aren’t funny.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 7, 2006
Lunch at Michael’s with Tina Brown. ($125.00 with tip) Dull journalist types everywhere. Everyone eating Cobb salad. Sat at a table next to Dominck Dunne, so I kept my voice down. What a name-dropper! So tacky.

TUESDAY, JUNE 20, 2006
Madonna tickets for the Madison Square Garden concert came today. Not that excited. She is so tired now. She was so much more fun when she was trashy, with that book of naked pictures and saying “fuck" on David Letterman. Now she’s just some boring, preachy mom, like Susan Sarandon.

FRIDAY, JUNE 30, 2006
Watched Star Jones on Larry King. So deluded. Lost all that weight and still looks bad. At least when she was fat, people would say “She’d be pretty if she lost the weight.” Then she did and she still isn’t. Larry King always looks like he has bad breath.

SATURDAY, JULY 1, 2006
Saw “The Devil Wears Prada” at AMC. (Ticket $10.75) Those clothes were ridiculous. Stale Chanel everywhere. What entry-level fashion industry assistant would wear that? Everyone knows those girls are all trying to look homeless these days, like those twin dwarf Olsen girls from “Full House”.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 5, 2006
Went to the office. Ran into Gwenyth Paltrow on the elevator. She had B.O. I was surprised. It was the second time I’ve smelled it on her. The first time I smelled it I thought she’d just came back from yoga or something. Maybe B.O. is part of her “natural” kick. I guess her husband likes women that smell like B.O.

2 comments:

Edie W. said...

BRILLIANT

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