Check it, Peons: Your CNN Humiliation Compartmentalized

Thursday, August 21, 2008

THE GUAYABERA SHIRT: FIRST STEP TO CATALOGUE GLORY


I just received the strangest catalogue.
It's called "Catalogue Favorites" (with a heart in the middle of the last "O".)
Now, as I do not recall ordering anything from a catalogue since I was 17, I don't see why they chose me, or factored my favorites into the equation. (In case you were wondering: ordered myself a maroon Guayabera shirt. The weather was hitting a balmy 65 Pacific Northwestern degrees and the idea of heading to school wearing attire more suited for a 65-year-old Cuban cigar roller struck me as humorous. No, I didn't have a boyfriend in highschool...ever.

Anyway, this catalogue is a work of art. I could not take my eyes off it for a good 20 minutes. It's even better than Sky Mall, and that's saying something. I fucking love this catalogue. Please check it out on line:

THE BEST DAMN CATALOGUE ON THE PLANET

The greatest thing about this catalogue is that it is irony-free. I'm convinced that those who order from it; high school guidance counselors from Wichita, human resources professionals from Boise, cat lovers from Tacoma, these folks love these items without a nudge, without a wink. The heartfelt "message" jewelry is cherished at face value, the garden ornaments are treasured for their whimsy, the funny t-shirts and gag gifts are truly appreciated for their sass.
This is respectable in these irony-overloaded days.

TOP 5 ITEMS IN CATALOGUE FAVORITES

1. "Prancing With The Stars" Nightshirt. DESCRIPTION: "Kick up your heels on your way to sweet dreams when you wear this comfy t-shirt screenprinted with a prancing horse."

People get laid in this ugly nightshirt. Then they wake up and make Eggo waffles. I really can't explain why this bothers me, but it does.

2. The FARTMASTER keychain.
DESCRIPTION: "Six realistic flatulent sounds from 'standard' to 'ripper' to 'wet' are digitally remastered at the push of a button!"

You just know there are thousands of jokesters out there who can't wait to give this to a zany relative as a "stocking stuffer". Oh, what fun they'll have on Christmas morn'!

3. The Super Kegel (TM) Exerciser
DESCRIPTION: "Strengthens pelvic muscles for improved bladder control."

Two things about this item: For one thing, I find it funny that it is just randomly thrown in there for sale, right next to the "Frog With Umbrella Box". Secondly, why only mention bladder control benefits of a tighter pussy?

4. The incredible collection of "hilarious" T-shirts:

A. My Indian Name is Runs With Beer
B. Put On Your BIG GIRL PANTIES and deal with it
C. I live at the corner of Kiss My Ass Avenue and No Friggin Way
D. WARNING: I HAVE GAS and I know how to use it!

5. Elf door and footprints. Apparently, you attach this miniature door to a tree, and leave the footprints on the ground leading up to it. Visitors from near and far will delight in your fanciful backyard. No, I'm not making this shit up.

BONUS: The Fabulous Fukuoku
DESCRIPTION: "Gently pulsating at 9000 vibrations a minute the Fukuoku offers a fingertip massage at the touch of a button."

Again, two things about this item. For one thing, I find it funny that it is just randomly thrown in there for sale, right next to the purple "Jackpot" bedroom slippers. Secondly, they mention the convenient "carrying pouch" yet neglect to say, "Enjoy masturbating while stuck in traffic."

1 comment:

HSN HONEY said...

I'll work for free if you let me sell the fabulous FUKUOKU on air