Check it, Peons: Your CNN Humiliation Compartmentalized

Tuesday, August 05, 2008


Today I'm offering up a story of a CNN Peon who tried to better himself, circa 1999.

This man worked hard at The Plant. In fact, this enterprising broadcast news professional had just received a promotion, and was feeling...worldly. He wanted to expand his horizons. But mostly, he was tired of having roommates and overflowing cat turds stinking up the litterbox stationed in the shared bathroom.

Indeed, it was time to strike out on his own.

So he moved to the Clairmont Crest apartments in Decatur, Georgia.
Clairmont Crest.
A name such as that lends dignity. This was the sophisticated life he'd been yearning for.

Within a few weeks of moving in, his sophisticated life took an abrupt turn:

1. He wound up crashing his car and spending the next couple of months in a wheelchair.

2. The cable service he'd gotten for "free" by slipping the cable guy 80 bucks went out. Consequently, the only channel that rabbit ears could deliver showcased "Walker, Texas Ranger" on a regular basis.

3. The Clairmont Crest was taken over by Baptists and turned into a "Senior Independent Living Community". Any whippersnapper under 70 was supposed to get the hell out ASAP.

In summary, this man was 28 years old, confined to a wheelchair, living in a retirement home, watching "Walker, Texas Ranger" for his amusement.

When he would go to the pool, the old folks would glare at him and frown, since he was one of the last youngsters left at the compound. Not even his wheelchair inspired solidarity with this tough crowd.
One particularly crusty fellow said, "Oh, you're still here."

It was a life of desperation, elderly bullies and excessive dependence upon Chuck Norris. But with enough perseverance, a CNN Peon can overcome any adversity. We're built strong. The photo above (click to enlarge) captures this hardy man in a triumphant moment:

Escape from Atlanta, defection from CNN, checking out of the retirement home and off to new adventures...


Anonymous said...

"It was a life of desperation, elderly bullies and excessive independence upon Chuck Norris."
Isn't this a line from The grapes of Wrath?

Anonymous said...

Don't fuck with Chuck Norris.

Anonymous said...