Check it, Peons: Your CNN Humiliation Compartmentalized

Thursday, September 18, 2008


I told my good friend from yesterday's ejaculate post that she was the star of Peon Confidential for the day, and she sent me an update!
So today, I'm offering the official account of her trip to the fertility doctor.
Actually--are there any children's book authors out there? Now there's a kid's book I haven't seen: "A Trip To The Fertility Doctor". It should be modeled after the fantastic "Where Did I Come From?" book. Anyone else read that one as a kid? Of course, glancing at the comments section of that website makes me depressed at the state of this country. I see some parents are complaining that the happy, round illustrations of mommy and daddy are "too graphic".
They're probably Sarah Palin fans.
But I digress. Here's the fertility doctor account:

We seat-belted [the sperm tank] into the back seat of the car, and sped off with hopes that the timing was right. My doctor (who is quite a catch, by the way. I've heard she is a fertility magician who attracts wanna-be breeders from all over the midwest!) popped open the tank, revealing the drama of dry ice, and pulled out the tiny vial. She showed us the number and cap color because, of course, one should inspect to be sure the product delivered matches the product ordered. For instance, if one orders sperm from a man of Asian or Pacific Island descent and receives a specimen with a brown (African), white(Caucasian), or red (mixed ethnicity) cap, the order has been mixed-up. Our order was correct, so my partner and I relaxed with US Weekly while waiting for the contents to thaw. Finally, the doctor took all of a minute and a half to inject into my uterus the very tiny amount of concentrated "specimen" through a thin rubber syringe. She pulled off her gloves and announced, "If only all inseminations were this easy!" My partner and I cheered. I've never been so proud to be easy. I didn't even have take off my argyle socks.

My pal was also kind enough to send us the above photos. The first is a generic sperm specimen photo. (Looks like something out of a Def Leppard video, doesn't it?) The second is a far more personal photo. The specimen in that tank may well become a little child who refers to me as Crazy Auntie Saara.

And if not, she promised that "if the impregnation does not occur this month, next month we will do a photo shoot with our next shipment."

Please do! You may even want to consider an OLAN MILLS family portrait!


Joe Elliot said...

Talk about pouring some sugar on me...

Anonymous said...

Make sure to use the famous woodland beauty Olan Mills background.

Michael Phelps said...

I hope they got some gold medal winning swimmers!!