Check it, Peons: Your CNN Humiliation Compartmentalized

Monday, September 01, 2008


I was going through some photo albums, looking for pics of pals to embarrass them on Facebook, when I found, tucked behind a shot of me on the CNN set, a dot matrix print out of 10 fashion rules. These were created by another VJ and myself circa 1997. Considering I still wore shoulder pads in 1997, I don't quite know how I decided I was the arbiter of style.
Let's see how many of these rules hold up today:

1. Never buy your perfume from the same place you buy your Tampax.

2. NO WHITE PUMPS. I do not care if it is before or after Labor Day, white pumps are strictly for the tuna casserole set.

3. The fanny pack is the downfall of an elegant silhouette.

4. "Suntan" pantyhose: WHY?

5. Thou shalt always wear a belt if belt loops are showing.

6. Only cooking in the kitchen: NO home perms or dye jobs.

7. On that note, NO PERMS! PERIOD! EVER!

8. Miami Vice is over. No rolling up one's jacket sleeves.

9. If you buy trousers that come with a belt (which in itself is a violation of the fashion rules) THROW IT OUT!!

10. Large breasted women should refrain from wearing very large polka dots. It makes people dizzy.


- I think with the Tampax comment, I was trying to prevent people from purchasing the likes of Lady Stetson, Charlie, and Primo! (the Giorgio knock off.) So, that's a noble effort.

-The belt loops decree must have been drilled into my head when I worked at Express in Seattle during the summer 1991. I think that was one of their policies. Why I adopted any policies from that shithole is another story.

-I cannot believe I was still doling out advice on perms in 1997. Who was getting a perm, let alone an Ogilvy home perm, in 1997? Nobody, that's who.

-And on that note, who was making tuna casserole? (Apart from that woman who insisted upon microwaving tuna at work, thus making the breakroom stink of smelly pussy.)

-I think I violated the "rolling up the jacket sleeves" rule myself on a regular basis. Short arms and no money for tailoring=rolled up sleeves.

-"If you buy trousers that come with a belt"...where the fuck was I shopping back then? No, I don't want to know.


Anonymous said...

You're telling me that Love's Baby Soft, available at Tampax selling drugstores everywhere, is not an acceptable fragrance?

Jean Nate said...

Wasn't there a rule about no red nail polish on short, fat fingers?
Regardless, I believe your rules stand the test of time.

vjdutton said...

Jean Nate, while your after splash is odious, you have an excellent memory. There were actually 12 rules, but I trimmed it down to 10. I cannot believe you remember that! The final one was "No earrings bigger than one's head."

Debbie From Accounting said...

I never stopped perming my hair. There is nothing wrong with an easy, practical, wash n' go hairdo.

Debbie's Husband said...


Anonymous said...

I do also recall a BASYS memo sent by no other than Tom Johnson that set forth a few CNN fashion rules as well. I believe they were as follows:

-- No Sweatpants or Track Suits
-- No Tube Tops
-- No Tye Dye T-Shirts (unless its Versace, of course!)

The second rule sabotaged Lynne Russell's career (no tube top = no ratings) and in regards to the third bullet, Versace, really? We might have been poor and couldn't afford it anyway, but most of us at least had taste.

Speaking of, VJ Dutton, that dress in the photo above is fabulous.

vjdutton said...

Thank you Anonymous!
It really needs to be seen in person. It's gold damask and purple velvet with bejeweled buttons. I saw it and thought, "Mick Jagger would wear this outfit while smoking hashish and getting his dick sucked in a crumbling Notting Hill mansion, circa 1970."
And that, dear Anonymous, is my standard of sartorial excellence.