HAPPY HALLOWEEN, HUNTER!

"If you're going to be crazy, you have to get paid for it or else you're going to be locked up."
-Hunter S. Thompson

Happy Halloween everyone!
I hope you all have a delicious, spooky and delightful night.

As for me, I'll be dressed as Hunter S. Thompson. Not sure if he'd approve. But I'm a huge fan of his, and he's not around to complain. I'd like to think he'd appreciate the homage. Except that more than likely, he'd tell me to fuck off, take a swig of whisky and bang out a line on his typewriter like, "In a world of thieves, the only final sin is stupidity."
And that's why I'm a huge fan.

I'll post some pics as soon as I get them...

RICHARD SIMMONS JACKPOT

Just read this story from the AP:

HONOLULU – The best bargain at the Salvation Army thrift store in Kailua-Kona was a Richard Simmons videotape. But Mikela Mercier, 11, decided to pass up the chance to buy the tape for a few coins after she found a surprise inside: $1,000 in $100 bills.

Okay, so kudos to the little girl for her honesty. Very cool.
When I was 11, I would have stuffed that $1,000 in my too-tight velour sweatpants pocket and bought up every single "My Little Pony" at KB Toys. Then I would have made a beeline to the food court and pillaged the Mrs. Fields Cookies stand.

But what I want to know is...why was she looking at a Richard Simmons videotape? She's 11. Did she view it as some sort of archeological find?

And finally...any guesses on which lucky Peons are flanking the joyous Richard Simmons in the above photo?

SARAH PALIN CAN KISS MY FAT MEDIA ELITE ASS

I don't normally get political on this blog, mostly because it was created in the spirit of fun and CNN nostalgia. I started it as a way for us "peon" CNNers (past or present) to connect and goof off together. But just bear with me today. Because we're 7 days away from the most important election in years, and I'm pissed off.
And I know this post isn't going to matter, because only 4 of you read this blog. So consider this a personal catharsis.

Bottom line:
Sarah Palin is an asshole.

But I'm so fucking sick of idiotic shit like this:

WHY SOME WOMEN HATE SARAH PALIN

This is not why she provokes such a visceral reaction. This is not why she inspires an intense desire to hock a loogie on her smug face, and watch it slide down her cheek, smearing her orange makeup. I am so annoyed with the notion that women hate this ruthless, ignorant, phony, manipulative moose killer because we love a Dynasty style cat fight (with or without the swimming pool) or we can't stand to see another woman succeed...especially if she's pretty. Or because she's a "mean girl" who gets all the male attention.
That's not the point.
Neither is this:

WHY THEY HATE HER

No, that's not why "they" hate her. As in me. As in most of my colleagues. As in my relatives. As in my friends. As in smart, savvy bitches across the country. Her private decisions should have no bearing on her political career. These decisions don't affect me, or the economy or geopolitical events. Those are family issues. What she does in that realm is a personal choice, and I firmly believe in the right of choice for all women. Even if Sarah Palin would never give me the same respect in return.

So why is Sarah Palin an asshole?
Glad you asked...

Top 10 Reasons Why I Hate Sarah Palin And Cannot Wait For Her To Face The Harsh Morning Light Of November 5th:

1. She is totally, unequivocally, unqualified. This isn't sexism, this isn't partisanship. This is obvious.
And any women who want Sarah Palin to be VP just because she has a pussy should have their right to vote revoked.
I didn't believe these types of moron voters existed until I heard it with my own ears.
That's not progressive.
That's an embarrassment.

2. She is vain, self-centered and proudly provincial.

3. That awful voice.

4. She's a hypocrite. She seems just as corrupt as the "Boys Network" and " Washington Insiders" she rails against (plus she rails against them with that awful voice.)

5. All that GOP money on clothes and she still looks like a cheap insurance saleswoman who fucks the boss to get ahead on their business trip to Topeka.

6. A woman in a position of power does not automatically benefit women. Look at Margaret Thatcher. Look at Imelda Marcos. If Stalin had been a woman (Stalina, perhaps) would women have reason to sing? As much as Palin claims to love Democracy and freedom, she has some seriously despotic tendencies.

7. Her fake folksy ways. So damn transparent. As evidenced by...

8. ...when Joe Biden started tearing up about his family at the VP debate, and she didn't even acknowledge him. She seems incapable of understanding other people's perspectives. Which relates to...

9. Zero empathy, zero ability to connect with Americans she deems "not real" (i.e. people who live in big, Blue State cities.)

BUT MOST OF ALL:

10. The whole "Media Elite" thing. I guess I just don't get it, mostly because I've been in news for over a decade, and most of the media professionals I've known are in no way "elite." They bust their asses (and no, those asses aren't as hot as Sarah Palin's tight buns because they spend less time jogging and more time logging soundbites at the computer.) They're the lowly folks who scramble to meet deadlines or get the news on the air, who beg for overtime to pay the rent, who carry their lunch to work in Tupperware. They hand off their kids to their spouses in between shifts. They wear crappy clothes.

There's a reason this blog is called "Peon Confidential". Most of us, the ones who do the grunt work, we're just trying to get by. It is absurd for Sarah Palin to blame this murky "Media Elite" for her inability to present a coherent political platform during an interview. Who exactly is she talking about? Yes, celebrity reporters and anchors are wealthy, well-connected and well dressed. But they aren't even half of the media equation. The traditional image of the journalist has always been the rumpled schlub in a dirty raincoat; the same outfit of choice as the crazy homeless guy or the flasher pervert down the street. We're often broke, tired and have bad breath from consuming nasty coffee at odd hours.

Most of us ARE Joe the Plumber, just transplanted to a hectic newsroom. Instead of unclogging toilets we push buttons in a control room.

So Sarah Palin, fuck you.
Seriously.
Fuck you and the moose you rode in on.

BLIND ITEM #12

Which CNN cutie, known more for her hair extensions than her extensive knowledge of news, really loves her breakfast sandwiches? She was wolfing one down when she heard the on air countdown. So she simply shoved the eggy delight inside her jacket, up against her boob.
She delivered the news.
As soon as the camera light went off, she happily retrieved the savory goods from her bosom and resumed munching on her breakfast.

EUNUCHS AND BAD STYLE

EUNUCHS:
As promised, I visited The Forbidden City and became a virtual imperial eunuch. I don't know. Maybe it's because I already don't have a penis, but it wasn't that exciting.

BAD STYLE:
The RNC spent $4,716.49 on Sarah Palin's hair and makeup through September after reporting no such costs in August.

$4,716.49????

I haven't been to Super Cuts in a while, but it sounds like their prices have really gone up.

10 UPDATES YOU SHOULDN'T PUT ON FACEBOOK

I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook. I love seeing photos. I love reading wall greetings. But then someone (occasionally me) will post an update so incredibly lame that it will ruin my whole experience, and I will log off in disgust.

Top 10 Updates You Shouldn't Put on Facebook:


1. Ted should have used Preparation H.

2. Denise thinks her husband is a no good piece of shit bastard.

3. Fran is getting a pap smear today :)

4. Joyce likes to roast puppies over a spit and eat them. Yummy!

5. Denise thinks that slut Trish is a home wrecking bitch.

6. Fred embezzled $175,000 from his company. See ya in Bermuda suckers!!!!

7. Denise longs for the days when cheaters were branded with a scarlet letter.

8. Herb likes the feel of silky panties against his balls.

9. Ralph enjoys kicking short, hairy nuns on Wednesdays.

10. Denise wants her husband to know that if he thinks he and his whore are getting the house, he's an even bigger prick than she thought he was.

DEN OF SPIES SHORT FILM

For those of you who couldn't slink on over to the last Mama D's Arts Bordello, Danny Figueroa uploaded his opening vignette to YouTube, and I'm offering it up here on Peon Confidential.
Produced by Lofty Productions, this is a mystery filled, action packed cinematic masterpiece...

FAMOUS!

Hello everyone!
Mama D's Arts Bordello got some love today on Media Bistro's GalleyCat blog!
Click and enjoy:

GALLEYCAT ON MEDIA BISTRO

OVERDUE PHOTOS

So--
I was a bit lazy with these, but one of you asked me to post some photos from the VP Debate Party I hosted a couple weeks back.
For some odd reason, I just took photos of the Biden/Palin themed food, and neglected to take pics of people. This means I have no evidence of my less-than-authentic Palin Hive. I think the reason mine did not look quite right is because her hair is held in place by a strong combination of moose spit, Republican gumption and Aqua Net.

Here's what you're looking at:

-Itchy Trigger Finger Tortilla Chips
-Planned Parenthood Punch
-Lipsticked Pigs in Blankets
-Wasilla Quesadillas

MAMA D'S ARTS BORDELLO PRESENTS: DEN OF SPIES

The craziest night of spy-flavored action is almost here! Prepare to be deviously entertained on Thursday, October 9th...

Lock up your classified documents, synchronize your watch, don your fake mustache and head over to the bordello for a night of intrigue. You'll be tantalized by Nasty Canasta's dangerous brand of burlesque and Pandora's sexy go go dancing, hear Charles Salzberg read from his new mystery novel, "Swann's Last Song", listen to Matt and Mary's tribute to James Bond themes, enjoy a mysterious short film from Jason Wicks and enter a high stakes 007 Dossier trivia contest where you can win villainous prizes...

No secret password needed for entry. A mere $7 bucks will do the trick.

DATE: October 9th, 2008
TIME: 8pm
PLACE: The Parkside Lounge
ADDRESS: 317 E. Houston between B and C Avenues
SUBWAY: F, V
COVER: $7

FLAPJACKS AND POLITICS

I have noticed that every four years, flocks of overly-hairspsrayed reporters and politicians descend upon diners and dingy little cafes in small towns, hoping to track down real, honest, hardworking Americans in their natural habitat. During election season, these are the only regular people (i.e. non-pundits) who can shed light on America's political climate. Moreover, if we've learned anything from the last few months, it's that small town Americans are the only "real" Americans. Only small towns represent true American values (cue John Cougar Mellencamp.)

So, reporters from various networks interrupt these hearty folks while they're eating flapjacks and slurping bad coffee to ask them about "the issues". And it's always the same kinds of places, the same kinds of people and the same kinds of answers.

I'm tired of this shit.

Why not mix it up?
Instead of going to Connie's Corner Cafe, why not check in on patrons at:

1. Moe's Taxidermy Emporium
2. Hooters
3. Barney's department store men's shoe section
4. The Castro District in San Francisco
5. The Podiatrist's Office
6. The Liberace Museum in Las Vegas
7. Cheap nail salons in strip malls
8. The gift shop at Graceland
9. Pete's Meat House of St. Petersburg, Florida
10. Any package store in a ghetto part of town

Where else?

PALIN FLIRTATION

Watching Sarah Palin wink repeatedly into the camera last night made me feel like she was trying to pick me up at a Holiday Inn bar.
I kept thinking that at any minute the DJ would play some Lionel Richie, a waitress would serve me some buffalo wings and I'd look out the window at an impressive view of I-95.

Anyone else have the same reaction?

THE THRILLA FROM WASILLA

So-
I'm inviting a couple of politically passionate buddies over to watch Thursday's Vice Presidential debate, which I'm hoping will be delectable. Fattening, even.
I had planned on having a low key Halloween party this year, but I'm doing this instead because the prospect of that idiotic, screechy voiced, book banning moose hunter getting anywhere near the White House is scary enough.
The point is:
I'm compiling a menu to fit the theme, and I need your input.
As of now, the menu consists of:

1. Wasilla Quesadillas (yes, quesadilla MUST be pronounced to rhyme with Wasilla.)

2. Planned Parenthood Punch (this will have a healthy splash of cheap beer, which has been the instigator of unprotected sex for generations.)

3. Biden's Balls (I'm hoping his are made of steel, while these will be made of turkey.)

4. Chocolate Moose

5. Lipsticked Pigs in Blankets

What else?

THE ART OF THE FART

It is with great pride that I tell you this:
I woke up this morning, logged into my e-mail account and saw that TWO of you delightful Peons had sent me the following story. It is very flattering to know that when people see a story about farting, I am the go to recipient of that story.
If this were an SAT exam, the correct equation might read: "Pet hair is to black pants as VJDutton is to fart stories."

SOUTH CHARLESTON, W.Va. - A West Virginia man who police said passed gas and fanned it toward a patrolman has been charged with battery on a police officer.
Jose A. Cruz, 34, of Clarksburg, was pulled over early Tuesday for driving without headlights, police said. According to the criminal complaint, Cruz smelled of alcohol, had slurred speech and failed three field sobriety tests before he was handcuffed and taken to a police station for a breathalyzer test.
As Patrolman T.E. Parsons prepared the machine, Cruz scooted his chair toward Parsons, lifted his leg and "passed gas loudly," the complaint said.
Cruz, according to complaint, then fanned the gas toward the officer.
"The gas was very odorous and created contact of an insulting or provoking nature with Patrolman Parsons," the complaint alleged.
Cruz acknowledged passing gas, but said he didn't move his chair toward the officer nor aim gas at the patrolman. He said he had an upset stomach at the time, but police denied his request to go to the bathroom when he first arrived at the station.
"I couldn't hold it no more," he said.

Yeah. The last line is my favorite too.

CANDY CORN AND MARXISM

I was just thinking back to my chock-full-of hippies formative years on Whidbey Island. For the most part, it was great. You really felt connected to the whole community, there was a creative spirit, and if you ever ran out of pot, you could usually find some in your friend's kitchen, right next to the organic oats.
But it wasn't always fun to have socially conscious, anti-capitalist neighbors:

It was Halloween. I was nine, trick-or-treating with some pals. I was dressed as Groucho Marx, wearing my Dad's huge, red wine stained white tux jacket. It was from his third wedding, when he said "I do" to a coked up Pan Am flight attendant as "Send In The Clowns" swelled on the quadrophonic sound system. Why my mom didn't throw that ugly tux out when they remarried seven years later I'll never know. Maybe she knew it would make a valuable costume. Now that I think about it--I got a lot of use out of that thing. The following year I wore it for my gender-bending role as Abe Lincoln in the school play.

Anyway, we went up to a house with lights on and the TV blaring. Clearly, they were fair game. Everyone knows if you display any signs of life in your house on Halloween, you're ripe for the begging. Admittedly, this house had no decorations, and there was concern they'd be the types to offer up stale fruit roll ups or some such shit.
Still, we knocked. We knocked some more. We continued pounding away with our nine-year-old fists until some angry, bearded man ripped open the door and bellowed:

"WE DON'T BELIEVE IN THIS CAPITALIST HALLOWEEN CRAP! YOU WON'T GET ANY CANDY FROM US! WE DON'T BUY INTO SOME STUPID HOLIDAY THAT BENEFITS CORPORATE CANDY MAKERS AT THE EXPENSE OF CHILDREN'S TEETH. WE REFUSE TO BE PAWNS OF THE SYSTEM! NOW GET OUT OF HERE!"

So despite being dressed as Marx, I didn't curry any favor with these Halloween revolutionaries.

DANGEROUS NUDITY

I am just devastated.
A kindred spirit has been arrested in Illinois:

DELHI, Ill. - Here's a tip: Bartending nude can get you arrested.
Sheriff's deputies doing a routine check this week at a southern Illinois bar say they discovered a not-so-routine sight. Authorities allege that 33-year-old Janet Brannon was naked while serving bar patrons at the Cabin Tavern in Delhi (DEL'-ee).
Brannon was arrested and charged with misdemeanor public indecency. She was freed on $8,000 bond.
She was the only bar employee working at the time, so the tavern was closed Thursday.

See, this is where I take issue with government interference.
Pre-arrest, life was good for the patrons of the Cabin Tavern.
Happy Hour was truly happy.
Post arrest, there was no nudity AND no booze.
This is a horrifying miscarriage of justice.

That said, here's my list of The Top 5 Worst Jobs To Do In The Nude:

1. Totem pole carver
2. Olympic trampolinist
3. Pit Bull trainer
4. Smelter
5. Beekeeper

BONUS: The Guy Pictured Above

Any others?

EJACULATE UPDATE!

I told my good friend from yesterday's ejaculate post that she was the star of Peon Confidential for the day, and she sent me an update!
So today, I'm offering the official account of her trip to the fertility doctor.
Actually--are there any children's book authors out there? Now there's a kid's book I haven't seen: "A Trip To The Fertility Doctor". It should be modeled after the fantastic "Where Did I Come From?" book. Anyone else read that one as a kid? Of course, glancing at the comments section of that website makes me depressed at the state of this country. I see some parents are complaining that the happy, round illustrations of mommy and daddy are "too graphic".
They're probably Sarah Palin fans.
But I digress. Here's the fertility doctor account:

We seat-belted [the sperm tank] into the back seat of the car, and sped off with hopes that the timing was right. My doctor (who is quite a catch, by the way. I've heard she is a fertility magician who attracts wanna-be breeders from all over the midwest!) popped open the tank, revealing the drama of dry ice, and pulled out the tiny vial. She showed us the number and cap color because, of course, one should inspect to be sure the product delivered matches the product ordered. For instance, if one orders sperm from a man of Asian or Pacific Island descent and receives a specimen with a brown (African), white(Caucasian), or red (mixed ethnicity) cap, the order has been mixed-up. Our order was correct, so my partner and I relaxed with US Weekly while waiting for the contents to thaw. Finally, the doctor took all of a minute and a half to inject into my uterus the very tiny amount of concentrated "specimen" through a thin rubber syringe. She pulled off her gloves and announced, "If only all inseminations were this easy!" My partner and I cheered. I've never been so proud to be easy. I didn't even have take off my argyle socks.

My pal was also kind enough to send us the above photos. The first is a generic sperm specimen photo. (Looks like something out of a Def Leppard video, doesn't it?) The second is a far more personal photo. The specimen in that tank may well become a little child who refers to me as Crazy Auntie Saara.

And if not, she promised that "if the impregnation does not occur this month, next month we will do a photo shoot with our next shipment."

Please do! You may even want to consider an OLAN MILLS family portrait!

QUALITY EJACULATE SELECTION

Yesterday I received an e-mail brimming with the glad tidings that a good friend of mine is ready to crack open the top grade ejaculate that she and her spouse purchased. Spermination is about to commence!
She wrote:
"I have a tank full of stuff in my living room which only stays frozen for up to seven days. We're going to bring this tank to my doctor today or tomorrow. No indigo girls ballads, no turkey baster."

She also sent me all of the donor information she had sifted through in order to choose just the right cum. It was truly astonishing. Not only did I read his profile, in which I learned he has "an amazing eye for photography, color, design and ripe fruit", but I gleaned precise details about his nostril flare measurements and cowlick potential.

But best of all was the Staff Impression, in which I discovered that this donor is "friendly, cooperative and easygoing".
I told her it reminded me of the "Staff Recommendations" at Barnes & Noble. And I do not think I've ever been persuaded to purchase "Cujo" because someone named Abigail liked it.
I don't know Abigail.
Perhaps she's an asshole.
I don't care if she thinks "Cujo" is "amazing".
Fuck Abigail.

She responded with:
"It's funny...we read a lot of these and obviously what we were looking for was 'this donor is good looking.' So many of the staff people wrote all kinds of bullshit down, not once mentioning looks. If I am paying $500.00 for ejaculate, it better create a nice looking child."

Now that's my kind of jizz shopper.

CAMEL TOE DISCOVERY

So-
I sat down, slightly blurry eyed on Sunday and read this headline:
"Million-year-old camel bone unearthed in Syria"

But in my hung over state, I actually read it as:
"Million-year-old camel TOE unearthed in Syria"

I quickly decided I prefer that story to the real one.
Therefore I went ahead and rewrote the article as such:

DAMASCUS, Syria - Scientists have unearthed a camel toe in the Syrian desert that they think may be a previously unknown tiny species of toe and say dates back a million years. The camel toe was found last month near the village of Khowm in the Palmyra region, about 150 miles northeast of Damascus.

The new find could offer important clues about the camel toe's evolution, the researchers said.

"It is a very important discovery," said the head researcher. He said it is the oldest camel toe to be unearthed in the Middle East and probably worldwide.

He added in an interview Saturday that the camel toe appeared to be very small and could be a new species, but he stressed that more studies were needed to confirm that.

"This camel toe is very small in comparison with the normal camel toe," he said. "But we have to find more toes, different toes, before we can be sure it is a new species."

THE POLITICS OF LIPSTICK

So-
My mom decided to weigh in on the Sarah Palin lipstick wars.
Naturally, it was in the form of a PHONE MESSAGE. I came home, pushed the button on my answering machine and heard a harsh Finnish accent saying:

"I don't understand why that Palin woman even talked about the lipstick and pit bulls. And now I open the paper and people are talking about pigs with the lipstick and whatever else. Why all this lipstick talk? Because she doesn't even wear good lipstick. It's that kind of boring lipstick for women who are afraid to wear it. You know what I mean Saara? Women with no style wear that boring lipstick."

What I want to know is--why isn't my mom a pundit on CNN?