Check it, Peons: Your CNN Humiliation Compartmentalized

Wednesday, July 18, 2007


This post is for all of you out there who are having a shitty day. If you're constipated or if you've just been dumped. If you found a toenail in your coffeecake. If you found another toenail floating around in your coffee. If you are hungover from a bender with your friends. If you are hungover from drinking all by yourself in your crappy apartment. Your crappy apartment from which you are about to be evicted in three days.
Consider this--it could be a lot worse.
Read on:

Associated Press
CARBONDALE, Colo. - Doctors thought the strange, bleeding bumps on Aaron Dallas' head might be from gnat bites or shingles. Then the bumps started moving....It turns out there were five active bot fly larvae living beneath the skin atop Dallas' head.

"I'd put my hand back there and feel them moving. I thought it was blood coursing through my head," Dallas told the Glenwood Springs Post Independent. "I could hear them. I actually thought I was going crazy."

Dallas said he likely received the larval infestation while on a trip to Belize this summer. Bot fly infections are not uncommon in parts of Central and South America.
Adult bot flies are hairy and look like bees, without bristles. The larvae, which are about one-third the size of a penny, were living in a pit 2- to 3- millimeters wide. They were removed Thursday.
"It was weird and traumatic," said Dallas, of Carbondale. "I would get this pain that would drop me to my knees."
After a specialist told him he might have shingles, Dallas tried different creams and salves. But the pain only got worse.

"When I saw him again, it was pretty obvious something else was going on," said Dr. Kimball Spence, who could see the spots moving on Dallas' head. "There's an open pit. You see a little activity, not necessarily the larvae, but a fluctuation of the fluid in the pit."

Dallas' wife, Midge Dallas, teased him about it.
"I told him, 'I will love you through your maggots."

See--constipation isn't so bad, is it?
If I ever get a poodle, I'm naming her Midge Dallas.
If I ever become a Vegas showgirl, my name will be Midge Dallas.
If I ever need to check into a hotel under an assumed name, it will be Midge Dallas.
Basically, if there is ever a time when I can utilize the name Midge Dallas, I will seize that opportunity like a ripe plum.


Anonymous said...

I know Midge Dallas. Midge Dallas is a friend of mine.
And you VjDutton, are no Midge Dallas.

Anonymous said...

Hmm... sounds like he's got a future as a network programming exec.

As for Midge Dallas... sounds like a bad D-Grade porn name.