Check it, Peons: Your CNN Humiliation Compartmentalized

Thursday, July 12, 2007


There are many days I wake up and feel like a complete loser.
I manage to get through the day by taking solace in the little things.
For example:

1.) I am not responsible for the creation of the Squirrel Circus

2.) I have never dated anyone who referred to any part of my body as my "lady ham" "sugar walls" or "beef curtains". (Actually, now that I think about it, I'm probably wrong about the last one. But I think it was meant in jest.)

3.) I don't own any music purchased from a TV infomercial

But today, I stumbled upon a dork-infested goldmine. I have bookmarked it for when I am feeling particularly useless. A woman named Pam Johnson-Bennett has a blog about cats. Fair enough. That's a reasonable endeavor. By the looks of it, she is very successful in her field. But what got me was a post called "Is Your Cat's Litter Box Big Enough?"
The responses were unbelievable.
These people take cat love to a whole new level. A level filled with lunatics.

When I was a kid we had a cat called Big Ed. (He's pictured above with my mom.) He was a tough mother fucker, and we loved him. This cat took his shits out in the woods, wouldn't come home for days at a time, and when he did his ears would be torn up from fights. We rarely bought food for him because he hunted and ate whatever he could find. There was a mutual respect between us. I think if Big Ed had to live with some of the people who responded to the litter box post, he'd have figured out how to use a shotgun pretty fast, and then casually slipped out the back door when the police came around.

A sampling of these litter box responses:

-Help! About once or twice a month, my cat will leave me a little kitty tootsie roll way outside her clean cat box. Sometimes there is a little streak leading up to the tootsie roll, but usually it is just on its own. The other day it was on my bed...

-Kitty may be constipated and is "wiping" to remove the offending "dingleberry."

-Also try trimming the hair around your kitty's rear-end. I keep Harley trimmed because he has long, dense hair and it sure helps. I use cuticle or mustache sissors.

-I have to take my baby in twice a year for an "anal expression" because when she poops the anal sacs don't get squeezed (because she doesn't have a lot of hard poops -- mostly semisoft) and so they fill up and get uncomfortable

-I went to Wal-mart and bought a childrens sandbox and filled it with 10 5 gallon containers of kitty litter. B.B. loves it. The bad part is the dining room table and chairs had to go. Oh well no comes to see me anyway.


A Dog person said...

-Kitty may be constipated and is "wiping" to remove the offending "dingleberry."

On the other hand, Kitty may just be "an asshole."

DF said...

Anyone that refers to thier cat in the first person when responding to a post on kitty litter should be bitch-slapped.

If I had said, "Hey Pam, how's your cat?" And Pam said, "Oh, Oscar's fine," that would be ok. But, why else would you talk about a cat like it was a person? I quote:

"Also try trimming the hair around your kitty's rear-end. I keep Harley trimmed because he has long, dense hair and it sure helps..."

You know what would help "Harley?" Not having a douche for an owner.

Anonymous said...

To the woman who refers to cat shit as a "kitty tootsie roll."
Um...yeah. Remind me not to trick or treat at your house.

A Person in Your Gayborhood said...

"Anal Expression?"
I'm gay. Yet somehow that expression still manages to repulse me. Although I have the sneaking suspicion I've seen the movie.

Anonymous said...

"... try trimming the hair around your kitty's rear end". Sure. And while you're at it, why not also try a medevac flight to a Level One trauma centre and massive hemorraghing!