MARATHON MASTURBATOR

Today's story comes to you from an Australian newspaper called "The Age". Serious news analysis follows this shocking tale:

"Defence lawyers for Kylie Louise Wilson, 28, said the mother of two "lost it" when her friend of six years, Daniel Peter Blair, went on a masturbation marathon on April 6 last year.
Brisbane's District Court this morning heard Mr Blair had showed up at Wilson's home, where he took amphetamines before having a shower.
Whilst in the bathroom, Mr Blair, 32, began pleasuring himself, before moving to Wilson's bedroom, where he rolled around naked on her bed and continued his lewd conduct.
He returned to the bathroom for more and was busted by Wilson, who was attempting to bath her three-and-a-half year-old daughter.
The court heard Mr Blair refused her repeated requests to stop, prompting her to fetch a knife from the kitchen which she used to stab him twice in the left shoulder.
Crown prosecutors said Mr Blair paused only to put on his shorts and flee outside to wait for police to arrive, but was again overcome by the urge.
"Despite his injury, it seems (Mr Blair) continued to masturbate while in the garage," the prosecutor said.
Police took him to hospital where he received treatment for the minor stab wounds.
Wilson pleaded guilty to one count each of unlawful wounding and wilful damage.
Her defence barrister, Mark Johnson, said Wilson regarded Mr Blair as a "tolerably decent person" when he was not using drugs, but had become "extremely protective" of her daughter under the circumstances.
"He was in and out and round about, doing this sort of thing all over the house, " Mr Johnson said.
Senior Judge Gilbert Trafford Walker accepted the Crown's submission that Wilson had been subjected to "grossly offensive conduct ... which in a moral sense amounts to extreme provocation."
He sentenced her to nine months' jail but ordered that she be immediately released on parole."

A few points:

1.) "Masturbation Marathon"

Do you suppose he prepared for this as a person would for any other type of marathon? Did he eat plenty of carbs beforehand and do stretching exercises? Plus, I'm picturing gangs of well-wishers with cups of water on the sidelines, cheering him on if he started to lag.

2.) "Despite his injury, it seems (Mr Blair) continued to masturbate while in the garage," the prosecutor said.

The man was bleeding in the garage, knowing the police were arriving any second and yet he still needed to beat off. Now, I understand that he took amphetamines beforehand. But I've taken amphetamines, usually to finish a term paper due the next day. I felt no such urges. I was certainly not distracted from any assignment about Marxism and the Industrial Revolution because I couldn't keep my hands off my snatch.

3.) I have no proof, but I suspect the defendant, Ms. Wilson, didn't shell out much money for her defence barrister. I posit this theory because I doubt many high-priced legal professionals would use the phrase:
"He was in and out and round about, doing this sort of thing all over the house."

I bet she was delighted to discover she'd hired Dr. Suess for her legal defence.