PEON CONFIDENTIAL IS NOW PEON ARCHIVES

Hello fellow Peons,

After five years of transcribing tales of CNN heartburn and heartache, I've decided that this blog will remain, but only as part of an online archive of CNN stories. I have added the MOPE (Museum of Peon Exhibits) as a separate page of this blog too.
All other elements of Peon Confidential will eventually be transferred to my revamped website: www.SaaraDutton.com.
And, you can always read more crazy shit on the Mama D's Arts Bordello Facebook page, which is where most of you read and comment now anyway.

So, I'll be cleaning house around here, packing up and moving non-CNN stories over to the new site. And of course, if you have a new or vintage CNN story to get off your over-worked chest, you can always reach me at vjdutton@gmail.com.

I've had such a great time getting back in contact with all of you! Thanks for reading and for sharing your stories. I've really enjoyed this experience--you've given me plenty of laughs and memories.

Even though I'm moving on, I will always be a Peon.

-VJDutton

NUDIST CAMPS OF OHIO

So-
I've been making mischief in the Youngstown, Ohio area for the past few days. I swam, bought a pair of Pittsburgh Steelers socks, ate plenty of Italian food and...learned about nudist camps in the region. I was especially interested because a pal of mine mentioned that one of her professors at Youngstown State University told her about a Nudist Camp in BEAVER CREEK.

Yeah.
You heard me.
THE BEAVER CREEK NUDIST CAMP.

You can imagine how much I loved that.
Better yet, she said some nudists parachute into the camp ground wearing nothing but a pair of boots and a parachute.
Naturally, I was compelled to do my own research. And while I never found info about Beaver Creek, I did stumble across a treasure trove of other nude ranches:

ASSORTED NUDIST CAMPS OF OHIO

Looking through all of them, I was especially delighted with the "activities" section. Perhaps delighted is the wrong word. More like astonished. Try picturing people engaging in these activities buck naked:

1. Badminton

2. Volleyball

3. Shuffleboard

4. Pétanque (I have no idea what this is. If I had to guess, I'd say it's a rigorous discussion of French Existentialism.)

5. Canoe Trips

6. Table Tennis

7. Darts

8. Air Hockey

9. Frisbee

And finally, the common denominator at almost every single one of these nudist resorts...

10. HORSESHOES

No joke! Horseshoes! Why are Ohio nudists so obsessed with horseshoes? What's so alluring about playing horseshoes with your cock hanging out? Do they have different rules that I don't know about?

I hate to say this, but I'm sensing the need for another one of my investigative journalism adventures...

NEW YORK'S HIGHLINE

So-
The new website is taking longer than expected.
Consider this post a layover at this spot.
And honestly, I'm feeling nostalgic for this spot already. It's gonna be a tough separation.

Anyway-
On Sunday, I dragged my boyfriend out to do one of those lovely, couples-type activities.
We went to The Highline.
It's free, beautiful, a great way to repurpose industrial space and filled with attractive, respectable people.

Naturally, we lasted all of 15 minutes before we high tailed it off to a dank, disgusting bar filled with derelicts.

But we did manage to snap some photos beforehand.
Enjoy...

BUYING EMBARRASSING CLOTHES FOR DEFENSELESS CHILDREN

Reason #172 why I'm never having a kid: because you just know I would dress the poor bastard up in this black velvet cloak with fringe. No joke. I actually snapped this photo and asked a fellow CNN Peon if I could buy this for her daughter. Oddly enough, she never got back to me. See, that's why she's a mom and I'm not.

FAVORITE MAMA D'S ARTS BORDELLO PRIZE PHOTOS

So-
I've been compiling all the Mama D's Arts Bordello photos I have in preparation for our big, gorgeous 5th Anniversary "Sensory Overload" show!

I thought I'd post some of my favorite prize photos from over the years. (Such as the photo above--she sure loves that Korean Pop Star jigsaw puzzle, doesn't she?)
Enjoy...

1. The Joey Ramone Yarmulke from the "Rock 'N' Roll Salvation" Show (This prize was so beloved that the winner posted this photo after the show.)


2. The Isaac Washington Cocktail shaker from the "Shipwreck" show.


3. The plastic red heart encased in styrofoam that our prize winner stabbed at the "Spurned Lovers" show.


4. The Bea Arthur Hot Water Bottle from the "Spurned Lovers" show


5. The Interior of Jackie Collins' Brain from the "Guilty Pleasures" Show (Prominently displayed at the winner's home in Queens.)


If you've got a picture of yourself with a prize you've won at a Mama D's show--send it my way!

THE WAYWARD BABOON OF NEW JERSEY

I am saddened to report that the Wayward Baboon of New Jersey has been captured. He has been tranquilized and returned to the Six Flags Great Adventure Park.

This is depressing. I was really rooting for that vagabond primate! His wanderlust was admirable. I was hoping he'd take the Holland Tunnel and visit me in New York. We'd eat bananas, make high pitched screetching noises and throw poop at each other. I could get down with that. And I'm sure my neighbors would appreciate it too.

But if he wasn't going to visit me, I wanted him to keep on ramblin'. I wanted kids to be playing in the park and notice this baboon on the monkey bars. I wanted housewives to look out their kitchen windows to see him stealing an apple pie cooling on the sill. (Okay, I know it's not 1955 but it's still a funny image.) I wanted him to sneak into a multi-plex and heckle Tom Cruise movies. I wanted him to knock on Bruce Springteen's door and ask for a cup of sugar.

Apparently, when this Roaming Baboon was captured, he was making his way toward the Jersey Shore. (I'd make a Snooki/hot tub joke here but what's the point?)

So I'm making a request to those of you reading this: On the 4th of July, when we celebrate our American freedom, let's raise a toast to the Wayward Baboon of New Jersey. His freedom jaunt ended far too soon.

PHOTOS FROM MAMA D'S CRIME BEAT SHOW

Hey you hooligans who escaped our clutches on June 3rd--here's evidence of what you missed! All photos taken by Mama D's photog extraordinaire, Jay Herrero...

THE BRAZILIAN WORKPLACE MASTURBATOR

I am so fucking mad.
I feel like I slept through my own birthday party or something.

By sheer happenstance, I stumbled across a news story from over a month ago that was custom made for Peon Confidential.
I cannot understand how it got lost in the news cycle shuffle. I'm blaming Weiner for this travesty. All the focus was on making bad dick jokes and the important, high quality news stories slipped through the cracks. So, although this is technically old news, it's going to be discussed here today. I can't not write about this story. I won't be able to rest otherwise.

In a legal triumph for hardcore diddlers everywhere, a Brazilian judge ruled that Ana Catarian Bezerra, a 36-year-old accountant, can legally masturbate at work and watch porn on her computer.

Now, before you go running to your boss demanding to put a vibrator and a copy of "Good Will Humping" on your expense account, realize that this was a hard won battle. Ms. Bezerra had to successfully argue that she "suffers from a chemical imbalance that triggers severe anxiety and hypersexuality". So, that's a pretty high standard. It's not just that she has an occasional itch she needs to scratch after her lunch break.

Still, I have a few questions about how this ruling will be put into practice:

1. Will she get her own special Masturbatorium? Or will she just tease the taco in the bathroom?

2. Does she share office equipment? Phones, staplers, the break room coffee maker? If so, I think that should come to an end.

3. Are these scheduled masturbation breaks? Like, will they be every hour on the hour? Or can she just stroke the kitty at her whim?

4. If these are scheduled masturbation breaks, can you imagine the knowing looks on her co-workers faces as she leaves the room? "Oh, there goes Ana again, off to polish the pearl."

5. Do you think her co-workers ever eat any casseroles she brings to office potlucks? I bet they just sit there, untouched, congealing, coated in suspicion.

Okay, I think we're done here...only because I've run out of stupid euphemisms for female masturbation.

TOM SELLECK+WATERFALLS+SANDWICHES=A MASTERPIECE

As a person who has hosted a "Lost Episode of Magnum P.I." night at Mama D's Arts Bordello, and consequently coerced the jolly good fellow pictured above to wear those bright yellow, ball-cupping, thigh squeezing Magnum shorts, I feel the need to spread this recently discovered artwork as far and wide as I possibly can. Now, I don't think I'll ever understand the connection between Tom Selleck, Sandwiches and Waterfalls, yet I still urge you to click and enjoy...

SELLECK WATERFALL SANDWICH

TOP 10 NEW BOOK TITLES FOR F-BOMB DROPPING CHILDREN'S AUTHOR ROBERT SAYEGH

I'm no stranger to salty language. I like a liberal sprinkling of profanities in my daily discourse. I've found that a well-placed curse word can really liven up the dullest dinner party. So when I read about a children's author named Robert Sayegh, I felt an instant connection. This man was recently ejected from a plane in Detroit for dropping the F-Bomb. Now, I'm on the guy's side. He wasn't directing this F-bomb at anyone in particular. And furthermore, the fucking plane wasn't going anywhere. It was just sitting there. For a long time. And you know how fucking annoying that can be. So I can't blame the guy.

Then I started to think of possible books this children's author might want to write. So if you're reading this Robert Sayegh--you're welcome:

1. Goodnight Moon, You Fucking Cocksucker

2. The Cat In The Motherfucking Hat

3. Everyone Shits

4. Fancy Nancy Is A Skank Ass Bitch

5. Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Piece of Shit Day

6. Cloudy With A Chance of My Sweaty Balls Smacking You in Your Fat Fucking Face

7. Fuck the Bunny--He Owes Me Money

8. Curious George Wasn't So Curious After I Punched Him In The Fucking Piehole

9. Where The Wild Motherfuckers Are

10. Oh, The Places You'll Go! (After I Shove My Foot Up Your Ass)

HAPPY KING KAMEHAMEHA DAY!

In Hawaii, King Kamehameha Day is celebrated with beautiful parades, sweet-smelling leis, wonderful food and great live music. Here in NYC, it will be celebrated by cranking up the Don Ho, drinking a Mai Tai or two and wearing a vintage muumuu. No matter how you celebrate, raise a toast to the Great King Kamehameha today!

LEAVE IT TO THE PROFESSIONALS

Get ready for some over-sharing today here on Peon Confidential.
Because I just learned something the hard way.
There are two things you should never try to do yourself:

One is electrical wiring and the other is bikini waxing.

But let's focus on the second thing.
So there I was at the Duane Reade, wandering around, reading trashy magazines, trying to figure out which chocolate bar was the least fattening and making a nuisance of myself when the Sally Hansen bikini waxing kit caught my eye. It seemed foolproof. Maybe even fun! And I thought to myself, I'm no DIY novice. I've hung wallpaper. I've painted the bathroom. I can do this. And how could a product with a comforting name like Sally Hansen steer me wrong? Yeah. Sally Hansen. She's the woman in the next cubicle who always has an extra stick of gum and sneaks off to have a cigarette after lunch, spraying herself with cheap perfume afterwards to cover up the smell of smoke.

Sally Hansen.

I guess I'd forgotten that names can be misleading. Look at Sallie Mae and Fannie Mae. They sound like a couple of Baptist sisters who might offer you some pink lemonade on a lazy summer afternoon.

I took Sally home with me and...let's just say this wasn't like other DIY projects. This was no wallpaper situation. It looks like a fucking warzone down there. No joke--it actually looks like Afghanistan. You know, bare but with a few scraggly tufts here and there. Like this:

My take on this sad affair? Sally Hansen is a Pussy Assassin.

Yeah. I know. I'm squandering my 1st Amendment rights by writing this stupid shit. But you needed a break from Weinergate, didn't you?

MUGSHOT HALL OF FAME

Thanks to all you lawless and larcenous bastards who came to the Mama D's Arts Bordello Crime Beat show on Friday! The Mugshot Hall of Fame is up on our Facebook page, where our gang of vicious thieves, thugs, and gangsters have been immortalized...

MUGSHOT HALL OF FAME

MAMA D'S ARTS BORDELLO: THE CRIME BEAT SHOW IS TONIGHT!

Tonight is the night!

Calling all cops and criminals! Step past the yellow caution tape: The Arts Bordello is a crime scene. We've got true crime stories from writers Alix Strauss and Celia Bressack, a shocking documentary from Terrence Ross, dangerous burlesque from Brooklyn Babydoll and blood chilling murder ballads sung by Lisa Mazy.

Plus: the Serial Killer Tracking Contest, where you can win a CSI-style UV flashlight for all your future crime solving needs.


TIME: 8pm
DATE: Friday, June 3rd
PLACE: Parkside Lounge
ADDRESS: 317 E. Houston
COVER: $5.00

MAMA D'S ARTS BORDELLO IN SOUTH KOREA

Check it out!
One of you fabulous, globe-trotting motherfuckers has helped Mama D's Arts Bordello tap into the South Korean market!
Look at our flyer, nestled amongst all that Korean reading material. It brings a tear of joy to my eyes.
Thank you--or should I say, 감사합니다!

TO MY FRIENDS WITH NO DISCERNIBLE BENEFITS: THANK YOU!

Last Saturday I had one of those sappy, emotional moments that make me cringe when they're depicted in films. (They're often accompanied by some over-played Peter Gabriel song.) I went to a "Meet the New Baby" gathering. Some friends were in town from DC, and they held it at a relative's beautiful Upper West Side apartment.

So, a bunch of us pals were gathered together, goofing off. I looked around the room at everyone laughing, telling stories, dancing, mocking The End of The World, eating salami and cheese, passing the baby around, Googling The Mandrell Sisters and playing with the dog. I suddenly realized that I'd known most of these kick ass mischief makers for 10 years or more.

And I felt overwhelmed by gratitude. Not just for the people at that party, but for all of my long-time friends.

Because here's the thing: I'm not a diligent friend. I'm not the glue that keeps us together. I never pick up the phone (mostly because I hate the damn thing.) I have forgotten birthdays. I have put off visits for longer than I should...and yet you fine people still keep me in the mix. Because of your generosity and willingness to look past my shortcomings, I have so many unbelievably wonderful, smart, cool and kind friends. You've invited me to your weddings, your son's Brit milah, your birthday parties and you've sent me artwork from your kids. You've supported Mama D's Arts Bordello and all sorts of wacky bullshit I've thrown in your direction.

I honestly don't know how I got so lucky and I sure as hell don't deserve all of you. So thanks for sticking with me. I love you more than I let on...even if you know damn well this post is about the only proof you'll get.

MUGSHOTS AT MAMA D'S ARTS BORDELLO

Attention crooks and criminals, hooligans and hustlers!
Prepare to get your mugshot taken on June 3rd at Mama D's Arts Bordello.
We'll put you in our Gallery of Ruffians before sending you to The Slammer...

REQUIEM FOR ELAINE'S: THE DEMISE OF COOL INTELLIGENTSIA

Last night a few cohorts and I went to Elaine's. I've lived in New York for nine years now, and I'd never set foot in it.
It's a storied New York institution born in 1963. For decades, proprietor/ringmaster Elaine Kaufman ran the joint, always sitting at her table, making introductions between authors, actors, cops and journalists. Elaine's was featured prominently in Woody Allen's movie "Manhattan" and name dropped in Billy Joel's song "Big Shot".

Elaine passed away at the age of 81, six months ago. And sadly, now her restaurant is set to close on May 26th.

As the scene in "Manhattan" shows, Elaine's is from an era when sitting with friends at an understated restaurant, having a drink and talking about interesting shit was the height of cool. Imagine that! It was cool to be smart. It was cool to try to impress your date with your varied cultural references. You quoted Camus and pretended to have read Kierkegaard's lesser works. You saw Bergman films at art house theatres with uncomfortable seats. You had a collection of rare jazz records you showed off in your dimly lit apartment.

And sure, maybe at a certain point this became insufferable. Maybe as my mom always says, "When you talk too much shit you get bad breath."

But it's sad that we've moved so far away from this era. When my guy and I walked outside of Elaine's last night and said goodbye to our pals, we strolled down 2nd Ave for a bit. We ran smack into a gaggle of stupid hoochie bitches dancing around their SUV. The doors and sunroof were wide open and they were blaring Ke$ha. They were starving for attention: some of them grinding up on each other, some of them singing; their arms pumping up and down out of the sun roof. When we didn't stare at them as much as they wanted, one of them pointed at us and shrieked at my guy: "You need to go home and FUCK HER! FUCK HER HARD! She wants it! She so fucking wants it! FUCK HERRRRRRR!"

It was tragic.

So he said politely, "Thanks for the tip, ladies" as we kept walking past.

But oddly enough, their pathetic grab for attention and unsophisticated approach to getting it made me think of Elaine Kaufman. Unlike these morons, Elaine got plenty of attention by creating a lively art salon in her restaurant. She took the opposite approach. She cultivated a cult of clever. She fostered an atmosphere where witty, talented people reigned supreme.

Elaine Kaufman became (in her words) "a fucking icon" by making smart people cool.

JACKIE COLLINS' MEATLOAF: A PICTORIAL

"Gino had never visited a whorehouse. Unlike his friends, he had never needed to. Fresh, young pussy was plentiful on the street for him."
-Jackie Collins

Fellow Peons, this is a beautiful day. Maybe not for Arnold Schwarzenegger, who found fresh, young pussy among his own household staff and now has to pay the price, but it's a great day for us here on Peon Confidential.

Yes, one of you long time readers made Jackie Collins' Meatloaf Recipe and sent in photos to prove it! I must say, I am deeply impressed: both by your cooking skills and your beautiful stove. My stove is as temperamental as a drug addicted televangelist and about as useless. One burner only emits extreme heat while the other only emits low. The other two don't work. The oven is hotter in the front than the back and dips in the middle.

But enough about that piece of shit. Check out these gorgeous pictures of the most glamorous meatloaf ever!


First Photo: Getting started! Note the Jackie Collins' Meatloaf Recipe in the distance.

Second Photo: Mixing up the fresh, young meat.

Third photo: Baking the meaty deliciousness.

Fourth photo: Jackie Collins' Meatloaf, sliced and ready to devour.

Fifth photo: A Hollywood style romantic dinner for two!

DIAMONDS AND DICKS

Hello fellow Peons!
I have returned from Florida: bronzed, relaxed and better acquainted with Jimmy Buffet songs than I'd like to be.
But it was great to come home. You know why? Because the doorman presented me with a box of wonder.
Yes, one of you Peon superstars sent me the special delivery pictured here.
As you can see, it contains Hollywood icon Elizabeth Taylor's glorious book, "My Love Affair With Jewelry".
It's just gorgeous.
But you didn't stop there. Nay! In what may have been a calculated move, you put the book in a box far too large for it...thus necessitating some extra padding. And what did you use? Why, crumpled up gay porn of course! I think the divine Ms. Taylor would have been proud.

Thank you, Gorgeous! I love you. You always know how to make me smile.

HOW FOX NEWS MIGHT SPIN OSAMA BIN LADEN'S DEATH IF THEY COULD

So-
I'm thinking it must be annoying as hell to Fox News that President Obama and his administration get credit for the raid on Osama Bin Laden's compound, a raid which resulted in Bin Laden's death.
Yes, it must be a shit eating experience, sitting and watching helplessly as a Democratic president delivers the news that this Mission is Accomplished.

It got me to thinking about how they might spin this news if they could.
I came up with this list:

1. Arrogant Obama Hogs Spotlight In Osama's Death

2. Black Male in D.C. Makes Late Night Confession to Slaying of Old Man With Kidney Disease

3. Obama is Responsible for Prolonged BP Oil Disaster, Unchecked Somali Pirates, and Littering the Ocean With A Corpse: Worst Oceanic President Ever?

4. Black Male in D.C. is Prime Suspect in International Incident

5. Obama Encourages Unruly Gangs Loitering Outside of White House and Elsewhere

THE GALLERY OF ARTCHETYPES

It's a collector's series of artists! Limited Edition!
Come check it out: WWW.ARTSBORDELLO.COM
We're working our way up to a full deck of Artchetypes.
So if you've graced Mama D's Arts Bordello and would like to include your photo in our Family Album, please send it my way...

(P.S. The above photo and many more in the gallery were taken by our favorite photog, JAY HERRERO.)

JACKIE COLLINS' MEATLOAF RECIPE

I love writing this blog.
You know why?
Because you people send me the coolest shit.
Like this morning, one of you sent me a recipe.
But this isn't just any recipe. Hell no! This is JACKIE COLLINS' MEATLOAF RECIPE.
I have no idea where you found this...or even if it's authentic.
But I don't care!
How often do you find "Jackie Collins" and "meatloaf" in the same sentence?
Well I'll tell you: Not very often, bitches. It's a rare treat.
So here it is, presented with love.
And if any of you make this recipe, please email me with the results (and pics too!)

JACKIE COLLINS’ MEATLOAF
2 lbs ground beef or turkey
1 tube tomato paste
Half loaf of wheat breadcrumbs
2 eggs
Small jar spaghetti sauce
2 tablespoons mixed herbs, and lemon herbs
Pinch of garlic salt
1 package Campbell ’s onion soup mix
1 chopped onion
1 yellow pepper

Combine! Mix!
Cook for 45 minutes on 350 degrees.

ENJOY!

MAMA D'S ARTS BORDELLO by JAY HERRERO

Just a few of the sublime photos that brave photog Jay Herrero took of the Mama D's gang at our debauched Palm Sunday photo shoot. Our next show, The Crime Beat, is on June 3rd. Come hang out with us at Parkside Lounge!